Humor & Fun

2007-09-08T08:15:00.001+05:30

2007-09-08T08:14:00.001+05:30

2007-09-08T08:13:00.001+05:30

2007-09-08T08:11:00.000+05:30

2007-09-08T08:05:00.001+05:30

2006-02-11T17:38:00.000+05:30

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
>>
>> Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
>> Banta Singh : Ok
>> Interviewer : Made in India
>> Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
>> Interviewer : Keep it Up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> Banta Singh : Put it Down
>> Interviewer : Maxi Mum
>> Banta Singh : Mini Dad
>> Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
>> Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat
>> Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
>> Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
>> Interviewer : I say you get out!
>> Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
>> Interviewer : I reject you!
>> Banta Singh : You Appoint me
>> Interviewer: ........!!!!!!!
>>
>>
>> Santa: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
>> Banta: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.
>>
>> Banta: When did George Washington die?
>> Santa: two days before his funeral.
>>
>> Banta: Tell me five FEROCIOUS animals you can think of........
>> Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

2006-02-11T17:35:00.000+05:30

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met CHITRAGUPT.
"Welcome to Swarg," said CHITRAGUPT. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a HR Manager make it this far & we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Nark and a day in Swarg and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Swarg", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that CHITRAGUPT put the woman in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Nark.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the YAMRAJ who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Gate and found CHITRAGUPT waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Swarg," he said.

So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and CHITRAGUPT came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Nark and you've spent a day in Swarg. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Swarg has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Nark."

So CHITRAGUPT escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Nark. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The YAMRAJ came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The YAMRAJ looked at her smiled and told...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee. ."

2005-10-31T21:41:00.000+05:30

Mischievous Brothers
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any
mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The
boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made
no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time.
("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

2005-10-31T21:39:00.000+05:30

Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sitto decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

2005-10-31T21:04:00.000+05:30

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is asevere offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were
preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Pleasetie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could onlytake 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away
whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but befo! re he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of theworld and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you mayhave two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said,
"Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

2005-05-29T17:45:00.000+05:30

How computer works

2005-05-29T17:09:00.000+05:30

It's really tiring during (all) meeting sessions. This tip helps a lot.

Practical tip...

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* Synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* pro-active
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mind-set
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage ......and last but not least
* MOVING FORWARD......

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - DavidD., Rockhampton
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Sydney
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Kathleen L., Canberry

2004-10-27T19:16:00.000+05:30

If you a keep a Programmer in Jail

2004-10-21T17:19:00.000+05:30

Is Bruce Lee a Malaya Lee?

What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon?
Kodaa Lee

According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake?
Ana Lee

Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala
Adima Lee

Bruce Lee's Favorite Malayalam Channel
Kaira Lee

Bruce Lee favorite vegitable?
Thakkaa Lee

What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him?
Nilavi Lee

What is Bruce Lee's pet
Chunde Lee

What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch?
Karingaa Lee

What is Bruce Lee's Girl Friend's name?
Anaarka Lee

What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
Neeraa Lee

While in kerala he likes to be known
Malaya Lee

2004-10-21T16:34:00.000+05:30

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the
car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything
went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
me! "The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver
replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying
dead bodies for the last 25 years."

2004-10-21T16:17:00.000+05:30

M-A-H-A-B-H-A-R-A-T

Krishna:
Arjun , Try to respect the e-mails of your elders .

Arjun:
But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders who are
logged on to honourable domains ?

Krishna
Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes. They
are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of
junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun
Murari ! After seeing all this , I feel like resigning from Software
Industry itself .

Krishna
Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In this
material world you have none and you are commited to none. Junk mails
have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after
you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep
sending junk mails.

Arjun
But Devaki Nandan...........!

Krishna
Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about
results.
Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru
Dronacharya.

Arjun
Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the ' system ' ?

Krishna
Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware.
However, it
is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the hard
disk....but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra,
the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another,likewise
these junk mails move from system to system.

Arjun
How can one define junk mail ?

Krishna
Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can be
conqured nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be
looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun
Hey Narayan ! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear. Y ou have
opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost myself in Maaya
and read all the junk mails myself.

....... MAHAAABHAAAAARAT ............

Years have passed since then, generations have come and gone, seasons
have cycled, technology advanced, but junk mails remain. So, go on,
contribute something to the history by hitting that forward button yet
again to send this junk mail to all !!!!!

2004-10-21T16:12:00.000+05:30

Some Carzy questions

Why did Mary own a little lamb?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Can you cry under water?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
What would you use to dilute water?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2004-10-14T18:23:00.000+05:30

Important to have friends

2004-10-14T18:22:00.000+05:30

The Letter to Dad and the Dad's Reply:

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

2004-10-14T18:04:00.000+05:30

Why me and you failed in Civil Service Exams

QUESTION & ANSWERS

Real life IAS i.e. UPSC Exam 1998 Interview Question
and their Answer given by Candidates, oh sorry, IAS
Officer now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC
Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank
Opted for IFS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an
elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 9

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS
Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

2004-10-14T17:40:00.000+05:30

Two cows were lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other says, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."

2004-10-14T13:19:00.000+05:30

Animal Behaviour

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me — they must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me — I must be a God!

2004-10-12T20:50:00.000+05:30

Kid's Jokes

Q: How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
A: Shocked!

Q: How do trees get on the Internet?
A: They log in.

Q: How do you cut the sea in half?
A: With a sea saw!

Q: What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?
A: Nothing -- they just waved!

Q: What do computers like to eat?
A: Chips!

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look, I'm changing!

Q: Who uninvented the airplane?
A: The Wrong brothers!

Q: Why does the ocean roar?
A: You would too if you had crabs on your bottom!

Q: When is the moon heaviest?
A: When it's full!

Q:What kind of bus crossed the ocean?
A: Christopher ColumBUS!

Q: How does the ocean pay its water bill?
A: With sand dollars!

Q: What do penguins eat for lunch?
A: Ice-burgers!

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer!

Q: Where do penguins go swimming?
A: At the South Pool!

Q: Where do penguins keep their money?
A: In a snow bank!

Q: Which animal is always laughing?
A: A happy-potamus!

Q: How do bees get to school?
A: On the school buzz!

Q: How do you get straight A's?
A: By using a ruler!

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: I have a lot of problems!

Q: What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
A: You're looking sharp!

Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my eye on you!

Q: What do jokes and pencils have in common?
A: They're no good without a point!

Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.

Q: What is a cow's favorite school activity?
A: Moo-sic!

Q: What is a snake's favorite subject?
A: Hiss-tory!

Q: What is the fruitiest lesson?
A: History, because it's full of dates!

Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles, because it has a mile between the 2 s's!

Q: What is white when dirty and black when clean?
A: A blackboard!

Q: What language does a billboard speak?
A: Sign language!

Q: What word is always spelled incorrectly?
A: Incorrectly!

Q: What's the first thing an ape learns in school?
A: The ape b c's!

Q: What's an eight letter word that has only one letter in it?
A: An envelope!

Q: Which triangles are coldest?
A: ICE-soceles triangles!

Q: Why did John walk backwards to school?
A: It was back to school day!

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because somebody stepped on the mouse!

Q: Why did the math class not use desks?
A: Because they had times tables!

Q: Why don't you do math in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!

Q: Why was the lightbulb failing tests?
A: Because he wasn't too bright!

2004-10-12T20:18:00.000+05:30

Thanks...to all......

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004.

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to
walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try
to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid
number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and
Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat
feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she
will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a
bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to
die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft
and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program
would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to
Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his
uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana ,Tirupathi Balaji
pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will ..... on your head today at 5:30pm.

2004-10-12T20:16:00.000+05:30

a divorce case

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

2004-10-02T10:28:00.000+05:30

Funny Linux responses
List of some "funny" responses from Unix/Linux when you mis-enter "appropriate"

$ cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

$ nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

$ rm God
rm: God nonexistent

$ ar t God
ar: God does not exist

$ ar r God
ar: creating God

$ make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

$ sleep with me
bad character

$ got a light?
No match.

$ man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

$ !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

2004-09-23T10:11:00.000+05:30

the latest model of Cowasaki Bajaj

2004-09-23T10:08:00.000+05:30

This guy is responsible for the death of so many innocent people..
His picture is made from faces of 670 soldiers who died in the Iraq War

2004-09-23T09:59:00.000+05:30

Who knows OS better? U or Circuswala??

2004-09-06T18:49:00.000+05:30

Two snakes
There were two snakes, Fred and Bob. One day, Fred says to Bob, "Are we poisonous?"

Bob: "Hmm...I don't think so."

Fred: "Whew! That's a relief. I just bit my tongue."

2004-09-06T18:48:00.000+05:30

Dark

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent investigation has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

Studying the Dark Sucker Theory and the characteristics of dark suckers has proven that dark has significant mass and is heavier and faster than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, consider the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark near it than there is further away. Larger Dark Suckers are capable of sucking more dark than smaller ones. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

As with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This fact is clearly indicated by the dark spot that often appears on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black. This black is the residue of all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
the pencil got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has been shown to have mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass causes heat. Thus, touching an operating Dark Sucker is not advised. Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a greater amount of heat and therefore it's more dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface
of a lake, you would see a great amount of light. If you were to slowly swim
deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get to some great depth, you would be in total darkness. This is because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This is why it is called light.

Finally, we can prove that dark travels faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see it escape.

Cosmologists now believe that most of the mass in the universe is Dark Matter.

2004-09-03T18:23:00.000+05:30

God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his
time on earth. He replied saying he had three! Happy with the
relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a
Mercedes!

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question.
When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him
a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next.
He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is
pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot. They
ask why God hadn't given him anything. Gandhiji replied with
anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"

2004-08-20T21:34:00.000+05:30

Jayan Dialogues (only for mallu guys)
1. oru kodumkaatt adichirunnengill kurachu kaatu kollamayirunnu

2. oru agniparvatham pottiyirunnengill kurachu chudu kollamayirunnu

3. oru mathill undayirunnengill chadi odamayirunnu

4. oru helicopter undayirunnengill thungikidennadamayirunnu.. pinne thazhekku eduthu chadamayirunnu

5. jayabharathi kandirunnengill panchar ayadikkamayirunnu.. oru mazhayum koodi undayirunnengill oru pattu padamayirunnu

6. oru kambi kittiyirunnengill valachu nakku vadikkamayirunnu

7. oru perumbambine kittiyirunnengill marathu malayayi aniyamayirunnu

8. oru kuthiraye kittiyirunnengill malpiditham nadathamayirunnu

9. oru train vannirunnengill chavutti marichidamayirunnu

10. oru kariminine kittiyirunnengill kadichu polikkamayirunnu

11. randu panji kittiyirunnengill mukkill vachu chathathu pole kidakkamayirunnu

12. randu maruthi car kittiyirunnengill cherupayittidamayirunnu

13. idukki damill vellam pongiyirunnengill kudichu vattikamayirunnu

14. ammachiplavu kandirunnengill kayari olichirikkamayirunnu

15. oru passport kittiyirunnengill H1-B stamp cheythu americayillekku pokamayirunnu

16. njan purse edukkan marannu poyi.. eduthathu cement chakkayi poyi

17. pathu cent sthalavum, 4 kinarum, kurachu tire-um kittiyrunnengil... carroms kalikkamayirunnu

18. moorkhan kadichathu nannayi... neerkoli kadichirunnengil... maanam poyene

19. oru theakinte kashnam kittiyirunnengill pallu theykamayirunnu

20. oru escalator kittyirunnengil, puram choriyaamaayirunnu!

21. oru attaye kittiyirunnengil, pidichu methayil kidathaamaayirunnu.

22. kurachu eddili kittiyirunnengil sharttinu buttons iddamayirunnu

23. oru hocky stick kittiyirunnengil.. chevi thondamayirunnu

24. oru nattoli kittiyrunnangil ollattamayirunu

25. oru sorry kittiyrunnangil maapu parayamayirunu

26. randu tectonic plate kittiyirunnengil oru bhoomi kulukkam undakkamayirunnu

27. oru enfield bullet kittyurunnengil roller skate cheyyamayirunnu

28. oru mungi kappal kittiyurunnegil oruship mukkamayirunnu

29. Veliyil oru paambu kidannirunnenkil Eduthu konakathil vaykaaamaayirunnu

30. oru paatta keel kittiyirunnel jayabharathikku kannezhuthamayirunnooo

31. oru suresh gopiye kittiyirunnenkil raajyam nannakkamayirunnu

32. shakkeelayude oru blowse undayirunnenkil 10 chakk ari alakkamayirunnu

33. oru kaattuthee vannirunnnenkil ee beedikku thee koluthamayirunnu

34. oru kuthiraye kittiyirunnenkil athine kulippichu muscle kanikkamayirunnu

35. oru 100Kg dumbell kittiyirunnenkil thalayile penine adichu kollamayirunnu

36. oru vellapokkam vannirunnenkil 1/2 glass vellam kudikkamayirunnu

37. oru aanaye kittiyirunnenkillll paper weight aakkaamaayirunnu

38. oru dish antenna kittiyurunnengil kuda pidickaamaayirunnu

39. oru idiyappam kittiyirunnengil kuruckazhichu kalickaamaayirunnu

40. oru naarayan moorthiyum prem-jiyum undaayirunnengil jaifosysum jaiproyum thudangaamayirunnu

41. jaipro/jaifosys : jayabharathickum kaviyoor ponnammayckum seemayckum ESOPS koduckaamaayirunnu

42. jaipro/jaifosys : balan.k.naire loan edippichu kuppiyilackaamaayirunnu

43. jaipro/jaifosys : aalammoodane gym-il kettamaayirunnu

44. jaipro/jaifosys : sukumaarane on-site-il vidaamaayirunnu

45. jaipro/jaifosys : janaardhanane HR head ackaamaayirunnu

46. oru virusine kittiyurunnengil onnu malpiditham nadathaamaayirunnu

47. bill gates-ine kandirunnengill randu pottickaamaayirunnu

48. e-commerce padichirunnengil kannoril ninnum kure bomb vangaamaayirunnu

49. oru P III kittiyirunnengil cricket-il stump ackaamaayirunnu

50. oru rocket kittiyirunnengil kayaril ketti pattam parathaamaayirunnu

51. oru mangaandi kittiyirunnengil onnu chappi nadackaamaayirunnu

52. oru road roller kittiyirunnengil shirt onnu iron cheyyamaayirunnu

53. oru "flying saucer" kittiyirunnengil oru cup chaaya kudickaamaayirunnu

54. 100 gold fish-ne kittiyirunnengil jayabharathi-kku oru swarnakkammal undaai koduckaamaayirunnu ..

55. oru 70 mm theater kittiyirunnengil laptop-inte screen ackaamaayirunnu

56.oru maruthikarum kurachu hose pipum kittiyirunnengil mouse aayi upayogickaamaayirunnu

57. 6 thengum nedumbassery runwayum kittiyirunnegil cricket kalickaamayirunnu

58. oru titianic kittiyirunnengil vallam kalicku pankeduckaamaayirunnu

59. bharathapuzhayil vellam undayirunnengil daaham mattamaayirunnu

60.oru pappadam kittiyirunnengil .. paayasathil mucki kollaamaayirunnu

61. oru bofors gun kittiyirunnengil vedi vachu padickaamaayirunnu

62. oru vimaanam kittiyirunnengil oothi parappickaamaayirunnu

63. navagrahangale kittiyirunnengil kurachu neram goli kalickaamaayirunnu

64. oru choonda kittiyirunnengil Titanic-ine pokki nockaamaayirunnu

65. barmuda triangle-il poyirunnengil kurachu neram swim cheyyammayirunnu

66. randu satellite dish antenna undaayirunnengil shakeelacku vendi blouse thayickaamaayirunnu

67. oru neelathimingalathine kittiyirunnengil veettile fish tankil idammayirunnu

68. kurachu thanneer mathan kittiyirunnengil gotti kalichu rasikkamayirunnu

69. oru microwave kittiyirunnengil kai unackaamaayirunnu

70. oru helicopter kandirunnel fan pidichu niruthaamaayirunnu

71. oru plane kandirunningil chaadi pidickaamaayirunnu

72. america-yil pokan pattiyirunnengil bush-ine thazhe irackaamaayirunnu

73. 100 bomb kittiyirunnengill, vishuvinu pottikkamayirunnuu

74. koruacu scud kittiyirunnengil, vaanam vittu kalickaamaayirunnu

75. kurachu paal payasam undayirunnengil, veedu white wash cheyyamaayirunnu

76. Oru chiratta kittiyengil athil vellam nirachu suicide cheyyamayirunnoo

77. najn jevichiruppundaayirunnengil , aatmahathya cheyyamaayirunnu

78. suryanil poyirunnengil onnu sun-bath cheyyamaayrunnu

79. bhimane kittiyirunnengil , paanchaalicku vendi malpidutham nadathaamaayirunnu

80. oru kathrika kittiyirunnengil ee road murichu kadakkamaayirunnu

81. oru bhoomikuluckam undayirunnengil, onnu virackaamaayirunnu ( shiver )

2004-08-20T21:28:00.000+05:30

2004-08-19T20:59:00.000+05:30

2004-08-16T22:31:00.000+05:30

Funny Quotes
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

2004-08-09T22:51:00.000+05:30

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
--
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
-----
Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
--------
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
---------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
-----------
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
----------
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
-------
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
-------
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
-------
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
-------
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
----
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
----

A black hole - a tremendous creation
Its physics defies imagination
Time and space it can bend
Wow! I can't comprehend
The gravity of this situation
----------
Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive
-------
Why the Sky Is Blue
by John Ciardi

I don't suppose you happen to know
Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow
Takes out the white. That leaves it clean
For the trees and grass to take out the green.
Then pears and bananas start to mellow,
And bit by bit they take out the yellow.
The sunsets, of course, take out the red
And pour it into the ocean bed
Or behind the mountains in the west.
You take all that out and the rest
Couldn't be anything else but blue.
Look for yourself. You can see it's true.
----
Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.
-----
Formula: "Energy equals milk chocolate squared"
-------
Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock)

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalized exclusion principle - it is impossible for two socks to be in the same state, and when it is in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in - the only time you know where a sock is, is when you are wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it is moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing color, or otherwise becoming indeterminate.

Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

2004-08-06T22:09:00.000+05:30

2004-08-06T22:07:00.000+05:30

2004-08-06T21:21:00.002+05:30

2004-08-06T21:21:00.001+05:30

2004-08-06T21:21:00.000+05:30

2004-08-05T23:06:00.000+05:30

Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap
under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were
gone.He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and
they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can
get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next
moment,the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat,
the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and
threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed
to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his
grandfather, he passed by! t! he same forest. It was very hot, and he took
a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and
realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He
remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and
the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and
again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea,Laloo
threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on
to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,gave him a slap and said.......................
"You think only you have a grandfather? "

2004-08-05T23:05:00.000+05:30

Q - A beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ?
A : So, Which Platform are you Working on ....

2004-08-04T23:05:00.000+05:30

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
exams, and classroom discussions.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H's as O's.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,
and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is
nowhere else to put them.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

Gravity is a law holding things up, but nowadays we use elastic.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

2004-08-04T23:03:00.000+05:30

Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and
essays submitted to science teachers by school and college students around the world.

- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

2004-07-30T19:53:00.000+05:30

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured
the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work.
====
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
when they passed a field full of sheep.
"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
Watson to Holmes.
"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.
"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
legs and divided by four!"
======
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

2004-07-30T19:51:00.000+05:30

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited

2004-07-30T19:50:00.000+05:30

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).

Chemical Properties :
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious
Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.

Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.

2) Illegal to possess more than one.

2004-07-30T19:48:00.000+05:30

Chemistry Jokes
... and here's a nice phrase my old chemistry teacher taught us:
"All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons"

A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and
decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her
professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye
and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was
intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five
minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to
ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of
acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No sir," one student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't
dissolve in this particular acid."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"

"Not all chemicals are bad. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen we
cannot make water, an essential ingredient in beer"

My name is Bond - Covalent Bond.

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
Bunsen burner:
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

Only 1 individual answered the question right.
The question was "If h20 is water, what is h204?"
This was a quick question.
The answer is:
If h20 is water, what is h20 "4" (for)...drinking, bathing, etc.

Q: What weapon of mass destruction can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

chemical formula:
HIJKLMNO
What is it? It's the formula for water.

What's the formula for an ice cube?
-H-two-O-CUBED

2004-07-29T22:48:00.000+05:30

EXPLANATION OF A SUN ECLIPSE GIVEN AT A BARRACKS

CAPTAIN TO SERGEANT:
Tomorrow there will be a sun eclipse, so I have resolved that the company
will be at the drill field in campaign uniform, where I will give
explanations about the phenomenon, which does not happens every day. If it
rains, though, the company will remain in quarters.

SERGEANT TO CORPORAL:
By orders of our captain, there will be a sun eclipse tomorrow in campaign
uniform. The whole company must be present at the drill field, where our
captain will give explanations about the phenomenon inside the quarters,
which doesn't happen every day if it rains.

CORPORAL TO PRIVATES:
Tomorrow, there'll be a sun eclipse, which will give the necessary
explanations about our captain. The phenomenon will go out in campaign
uniform to the drill field, except if it rains in the quarters, which
doesn't happen every day.

PRIVATE TO RECRUIT:
We'll go out tomorrow to a campaign in a sun eclipse that our captain's
phenomenon fixed up to rain uniforms in the drill field. If it rains,
though, the company will give explanations in quarters, which doesn't happen
every day.

RECRUIT TO FAMILY:
Tomorrow will rain a sun eclipse in quarters, which our captain gave the
company so the drill phenomenon will go to the uniform campaign. If it rains
in the uniforms, which doesn't happen every day, we'll have to take the
eclipse inside quarters.

2004-07-29T22:47:00.000+05:30

Q.) What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A.) A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait
line while a physicist wants more data!!!

A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic: they operate on
smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount
of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets
out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many times have
you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has
been emitted?

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.

Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?

Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when
you want the light, whereas the sun shines
during the day when you don't need it.

Why Ms. moon has left Mr. sun?

answer.. Because he never wants to go out by the night with her..

2004-07-29T22:46:00.000+05:30

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
Einstein.
Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out."

Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how?

Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
That means I am Newton per meter square..
Hence I am Pascal.
Since newton per meter square = Pascal

2004-07-29T22:43:00.000+05:30

Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!

Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....

Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive
policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.

Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.

Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.
The first one says, "What are you in for?"
The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!

Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test- They can all be bombs.

Q:What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
A:A Trans-sister

Q:What is horsepower?
A:The power it takes to drag a horse a given distance in a given amount of
time.

My highschool physics teacher, who thought of himself as a very funny punster, was explaining the unit of measure for frequency. He said, "The unit for cycles-per-second is called the Hertz, which is named after a famous scientist who also started a car rental company." The whole class groaned, and I said, "Sir, that was so funny it Hertz."

A physics teacher was talking about the acceleration of free-fall. She wrote a 'g' letter
on the board, and asked 'How can we measure this constant? Do you have any
idea?' One of them stood up, came to the board, and measured the length of
the 'g' letter on the board, and said 'by a ruler, teacher!

Sign on railroad station:
These railroads are subject to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: Position
and Velocity of a given train can not be specified at the same time.

Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: "Do you know how fast
you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"

Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!

Einstein
-''--.
_`> `\.-'<
_.' _ '._
.' _.=' '=._ '.
>_ / /_\ /_\ \ _<
/ ( \o/\\o/ ) >._\ .-,_)-. /_.<
/__/ \__ '---'

2004-07-29T22:42:00.000+05:30

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter

2004-07-27T22:25:00.000+05:30

SCIENCE
When Newton had thought out "The Theory of Relativity with Quantum
Mechanics", he got an apple on his head and had to start from the
beginning.
=======
Q: How does Einstein begin a story?
A: Once upon a space-time......
======
Q: Why should followers of special theory of relativity not be taken
seriously?
A: They fail to see the gravity of the situation.
===
I happen to know something that is faster than light!! :)

Darkness.

Try this: lock yourself inside a darkened room. Then, slowly, open the
door. You can surely see the light coming in, but you can´t see the
darkness going out. That´s how fast it is!!!

2004-07-27T22:24:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his
mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned
this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his
teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the
homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her
what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said
that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what
he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here
in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."

2004-07-27T22:22:00.000+05:30

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

2004-07-23T21:58:00.000+05:30

The Cows!!

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one,
and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign
them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce 20 times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer
them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't
know where they are.You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which
belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRITISH COW: You have Two Cows. One is is Cloned and
the other has Mad Cow Disease.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

2004-07-23T21:57:00.002+05:30

Driving Styles!
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. - Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator... - Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car - Welcome to India!

2004-07-23T21:57:00.001+05:30

Banta Singh: "Yaar Santa, last year the name-plate outside your house read Santa Singh, B.A. This year it reads Santa Singh, M.A.When did you finish your Masters Degree?"
Santa Singh: "You don't understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate Bachelor Again. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is Married Again."

2004-07-23T21:57:00.000+05:30

Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy..
Both were traveling to US.
Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?"
James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond."
James Bond: "and you?"
Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana
Siva Venkata Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.."

2004-07-23T21:55:00.000+05:30

A Japanese traveler wanted to visit India. He reached the airport & hailed
a taxi. The taxi driver was from Calcutta.

The Japanese said: Your taxi goes very slow. Japanese taxi goes very fast.
Your buses are very slow. Japanese buses are very fast.

'What!!!!' yelled the Japanese at the end of the journey, 'your meter goes
very fast!'

'Yes, sir', said the taxi driver, 'it is made in Japan!'

2004-07-22T22:56:00.000+05:30

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig
to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
teter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Rgadres

2004-07-22T22:55:00.000+05:30

Arab Guys
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East ssignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainted. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

2004-07-22T22:52:00.001+05:30

Sardarji

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall
building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds
idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I
find idlis in the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die".

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says IfI
find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die"

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and
says"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens
his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the
20th floor and dies. Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch" The Bengali's
widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!

2004-07-22T22:52:00.000+05:30

2004-07-22T22:45:00.000+05:30

>>SCRABBLE

>>This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there
either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see
the last one!)

>>GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

>>DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

>>EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

>>PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

>>DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

>>THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

>>SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

>>ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

>>MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

>>SNOOZE ALARMS: W! hen you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z''S

>>A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

>>THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

>>ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

2004-07-20T22:11:00.000+05:30

Funeral
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black
dog.Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time
to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that
first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My
dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the
second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied
"Join the queue."

2004-07-19T23:19:00.000+05:30

Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

2004-07-19T23:12:00.000+05:30

Dilbert-Related

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

2004-07-19T23:03:00.000+05:30

The Fact Of Life

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
19. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
26. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
27. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
28. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
30. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
31. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
32. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
33. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
39. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

2004-07-19T22:57:00.000+05:30

Software Marketing terminology explained:

Alpha: Software that is so buggy that even the beta testers won't install it.

Announced date: The date the product manager hopes to go on vacation.

API: A function library with more than 200 minimally distinguishable entry points.

Beta: Software that isn't quite finished, as in "beta late than never."

Chief Technology Officer: The guy in charge of the PowerPoint slide show.

Fact sheet: What's left of the specification after the product ships.

Focus group: Buying drinks for market analysts.

Fully compatible: Same old features.

In manufacturing: The programmers are still "manufacturing" features.

In shipping: Someone in the 00000 ZIP code has a copy -- most likely the product manager's brother-in-law. No one else will get a copy for weeks.

Industry insiders: Disgruntled employees after one too many drinks.

Long-term planning: What will happen when the new marketing VP is hired.

Market research: Buying drinks for customers.

Memory leak: What the company president remembers telling the market analysts.

Minimum system requirements: The oldest PC anyone could find in the company storeroom.

Multitasking: The ability to crash several programs at the same time.

Multithreading: The ability to crash a single program in several ways at the same time.

New and improved: Totally incompatible.

On schedule: Will include a coupon in the box for the missing pieces.

Online help: Call the psychic hotline for technical support.

Open architecture: The developers didn't finish half of what was in the spec.

Press leak: The company president speaking to market analysts.

Press release: What the marketing department thought was being built. Often confused with the specification for the next version.

Release candidate: Software built just before a major holiday.

SDK: A development system without documentation.

Short-term planning: Meeting payroll.

Strategic partnership: A couple of second-rate companies that cannot afford to merge.

Trade secret: Another way to say "we don't have the source code."

Upwardly compatible: Lots of new bugs.

User friendly: Lots and lots of gratuitous bitmaps.

Visionary: CEO who has not yet bankrupted a company

2004-07-19T22:51:00.000+05:30

Top 20 programers excuses

The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:
1. "It works on my machine."

2004-07-19T22:41:00.000+05:30

Children say the funniest stuff

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God! ."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Fred and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Fred received his plate he started eating right away.
"Fred, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"But that's at our house," Fred explained, "this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
Then I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush, held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of the parents."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room quickly burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then at the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And, why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

2004-07-16T21:15:00.001+05:30

mera bharat mahan
Bengali
One Bengali is a poet
Two Bengalis is a film society
Three Bengalis is a political party
Four Bengalis is two political parties

Bihari
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad
Three Biharis is a caste killing
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of
Patna

Punjabi
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his bigger brother
-Twinky
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds
Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one

Mallu
One Mallu is a coconut stall
Two Mallus is a boat race
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket
Four Mallus is an oil slick

UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly
Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad

Gujju
One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train
Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train
Three Gujjus is Bombay's noisiest restaurant
Four Gujjus is a stock market scam

Andhraite
One Andhraite is a chilli farmer
Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit
Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie

Kashmiri
One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory
Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit
Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order

Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple
Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class
Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite
One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall
Two Bombayites is a film studio
Three Bombayites is a slum
Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in
the train at rush hour

Sindhi
One Sindhi is a currency racket
Two Sindhis is a papad factory
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar
Four Sindhis is the Hong Kong Retail Traders Association

Marwari
One Marwari is the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator
Two Marwaris own 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris can finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis
Four Marwaris will threaten the Jews as a community

2004-07-16T21:15:00.000+05:30

Zimbly too guud... joke...
Read it loud !!
1. Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala .
2. Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 76% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.
3. Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.
4. Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.
5. What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
6. What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.
7. Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.
8. Who found out that?
His andy.
9. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10. What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.
11. Who is Malayali's fyamous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.
12. Why Kerala is the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.
13. Why Arab countreis are looking for only Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive cokknut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free.

2004-07-14T22:49:00.000+05:30

Mantri Laloo
When Laloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri,stressing that it should be world class. The stamps were released,and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly,and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Lalloo Prasad: She said: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side!"

2004-07-12T23:23:00.000+05:30

Cat after a shower

Y2K

Life in Mars?

What Happens When You Have...
1) Nothing to do
2) A sharp knife
3) A large lime
4) A patient cat

When a New Era Meets an Old One...

2004-07-09T23:11:00.000+05:30

GEMS of WISDOM
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays
from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.
19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

2004-07-02T22:41:00.000+05:30

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

2004-07-02T22:40:00.000+05:30

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

2004-07-02T22:38:00.000+05:30

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."

2004-07-02T22:35:00.000+05:30

Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?
I don't think so, Johnny. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin

2004-07-02T22:33:00.000+05:30

Little Jonny
Little Jonny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

2004-07-02T22:24:00.000+05:30

Bihar Ispecial
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

NOTE: If you dot knows, please copy from another applikason phorom.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person
at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
Last name:

(_) Yadav

(_) Sinha

(_) Pandey

(_) Misra

(_) Dot no

(Check karet box)
First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)

Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)

Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)

Number of children libing in the household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no, leave blank)
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)
Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb
impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb
on right hand. If you do not have
Right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

2004-07-02T22:08:00.000+05:30

Bobby's letter to God
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he
thought this was a good time to tell his mother what
he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course,
thought he did.

Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby,
and think about how you have behaved this year. Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the
steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a
very good boy this year,

so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this
year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a
bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He
went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go
to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had
worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in
time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on
the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up
to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and
ran out of the church, down the street, into the
house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his
room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
THE BIKE!

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

2004-07-02T22:04:00.000+05:30

PERFECT ENGLISH !
1. Candidate's application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for
a typist and an accountant - Male or Female.... As I
am both for the past several years and I can handle
both, I am applying for the post".

2. An employee applied for leave as follows:

" Since I have to go my town to sell my land along
with my wife, please sanction me one week leave"

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:

"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may
not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the
Headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school, I am suffering from
headache I request you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his
friend's letter:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to
the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for
the day"

7. A covering note:

" I am enclosed herewith...."

8. Another leave letter written to Human Resources.
Dept:

"As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible
for it, please grant me 10 days leave"

9. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness! And as I am her
only husband at home, may be granted leave."

10. Letter writing:

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same
well"

2004-07-02T21:57:00.000+05:30

Sardarji
Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.

One common question was asked to all 4 of them.

Interviewer: WHAT IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD ?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

Harvard Guy: Its the Thought, b'cos thought is so fast it comes
instantly in your mind

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you
blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Diarrhea

Interviewer: Shocked to hear santa's reply, asked "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!

2004-07-02T21:42:00.000+05:30

These jokes from the posting at bobanandmolly@yahoogroups.com. Boban & Molly cartoons were masterpiece works of Toms.
----------
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya(Ayodhyaa),
there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat (dasrath).

Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM
after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--
RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest
was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY.

His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL
ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess
'C'ta. 12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL
RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE
(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat
for a life saving HELP COMMAND ,took this opportunity
at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real
plotter),and insisted that her son Bug-rat be
INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE
passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.

RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta
insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved
on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the
dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,
PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.

Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that
he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta
to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to
kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where
RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight, approached his
uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the
form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the
forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer,
who,with his last breath,cried out desperately for
LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM
SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid.

Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED
'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY
to LAN-ka. RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the
missing 'C'ta all over he forest. They made friendship
with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his
powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.

SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered
his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to
FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all
around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to
'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB
CRAWLERS'(Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something
about 'C'ta.Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but
they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND' MESSAGES. Several
other SEARCH techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used
it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.
Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After
doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping
under a TREE STRUCTURE.

Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify
himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta
believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK
MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS
around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE
him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to
spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN
happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all
the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.

RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM
head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the
RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with
a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to
some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man.

RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan
and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on
earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya
and spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other USER
FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived
happily everafter.

2004-06-25T16:58:00.000+05:30

Living Life King Size!

2004-06-18T22:11:00.000+05:30

H R Policies
Dear Staff,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not
need a raise.
If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise
money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to
give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have
exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day

2004-06-18T22:10:00.000+05:30

A guy dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many
more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very
long
line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are
there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a
software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails
and then goes to the cafeteria..."

----------------------
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come
you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....
"Try to do it when the engine is running". .....................
----------------------
Group of Managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladder and
tape measures.They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures the whole thing is just a mess.An Engineer comes along and sees
what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the
ground,lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the
Engineer
has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just
like an engineer! We're looking for height and he gives the
length!"

Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault
in Engineers.

2004-06-18T19:56:00.000+05:30

A Guide to Effective Technical & Scientific Communication
=============================================

Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
reference

It is believed I think

It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too

It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
assume anything

Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance

Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it

Typical results are shown The best results are shown

3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them

The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied

The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up

The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear

It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere

Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude

It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it

Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field

These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding

I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data

2004-06-17T13:41:00.000+05:30

Indian Technology: An elegant Mix of Old & New !

2004-06-17T13:35:00.000+05:30

2004-06-17T13:33:00.000+05:30

Expect the unexpected... ;)
The man whispered, "God, speak to me"
and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.

The man yelled, "God, speak to me"
and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.

And, the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.

The man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down
and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ...and walked on.

The man cried,
"God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out
with forwarded jokes.
But, the man deleted it and continued crying ...

Don't miss out on a blessing
because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

2004-06-16T22:29:00.000+05:30

See the wife Bashing by a funny chap

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems.
Just goes to show ya how much she knows — I’m never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm,
trim body or my intellect. She said, “Your sense of humor dear.”

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive
driver. I pointed out that if she’s ever in an accident, the paper’s
gonna print her real age.

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car
in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

2004-06-11T22:35:00.000+05:30

Tips From Subordinates to Superiors

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm and then bring it
in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how
I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.

Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm
not here for the money anyway.

2004-06-11T22:24:00.000+05:30

US President George W. Bush is sick of hearing that he is stupid so he consults with the Vice President Dick Cheney. Dick advises to have a medical check up of George's brain. Here is what the Doctor said after scanning the Presidential Brain:
Your Excellency,Unlike others, your brain is a masterpiece. It has 2 valves. The left
& the right. The left has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it!

Delegates from Japan visited India especially Bihar
seeing the condition over there they talked to Lallu
and told him We will make Bihar like Japan in six months
Then Lallu told six months U are so slow give Japan to me
I will make it like Bihar in three days

Saddam Hussain visited GOd and asked when can he see the defeat of
US? Then god told not in your life time......... He left crying?
Then Musharaf came and asked when he can see the defeat ofIndia?
God replied not in your life time and he also started crying...
The other person visited god is the Pakistan cricket captain Insamam and
asked when he can see the defeat of Indian cricket team? God replied
not in your life time son. He also left crying...........
Then Ricky ponting came and asked When can I see the defeat of Indian team in India?
God told not in your life time and ponting also left crying?
The our hero Lallu came and asked God when I can see Bihar prosperous?
Then God started crying saying not in my life time