Wednesday, May 19, 2004
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
-----------------
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
------------------
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
-----------------
A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough
to cover the subject
-----------------
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in
front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
-----------------
A drunk was hauled into court.
Mister, the judge began, you've been brought
here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
-----------------
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
-----------------
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..
-----------------
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
----------------
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
----------------
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
----------------
My father is so old that when he was in school, history
was called current affairs.
----------------
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey
and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
-----------------
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
------------------
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job
Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
--------------------
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
--------------------
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
--------------------
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
---------------------
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
--------------------
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days
, you can keep it.
------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------
Should women have children after 35
No, 35 children are more than enough!
----------------
No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..
----------------
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
----------------
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children !
---------
Little Jhony Jokes
Johny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.
She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johny,
'There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts.'
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in,
she asked, 'What happened?' 'She knows now,' Johny replied.
-------------------------------
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the DAMN difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
-----------------
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
------------------
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
-----------------
A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough
to cover the subject
-----------------
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in
front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
-----------------
A drunk was hauled into court.
Mister, the judge began, you've been brought
here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
-----------------
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
-----------------
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..
-----------------
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
----------------
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
----------------
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
----------------
My father is so old that when he was in school, history
was called current affairs.
----------------
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey
and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
-----------------
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
------------------
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job
Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
--------------------
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
--------------------
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
--------------------
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
---------------------
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
--------------------
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days
, you can keep it.
------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------
Should women have children after 35
No, 35 children are more than enough!
----------------
No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..
----------------
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
----------------
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children !
---------
Little Jhony Jokes
Johny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.
She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johny,
'There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts.'
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in,
she asked, 'What happened?' 'She knows now,' Johny replied.
-------------------------------
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the DAMN difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!
Dear Banta,
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidentshappen within 10 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family thatlived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since. Its only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.
I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!
My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
Uncle Balbir fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Cousin Santa
Ludhiana.
P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with this envelope, but I had already sealed this by then.
------------------------
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman says:
"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says:
"I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
-----------------
Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their
m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.
Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just
250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"
Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!
--------------
A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had
happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to
my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other
ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
---------------
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SARDARJI BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the sardarji take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidentshappen within 10 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family thatlived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since. Its only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.
I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!
My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
Uncle Balbir fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Cousin Santa
Ludhiana.
P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with this envelope, but I had already sealed this by then.
------------------------
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman says:
"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says:
"I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
-----------------
Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their
m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.
Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just
250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"
Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!
--------------
A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had
happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to
my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other
ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
---------------
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SARDARJI BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the sardarji take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"
1. Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, 'Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?'
'Yes, of course', said the doctor, 'why not!'
'Oh! How nice it would be', said Banta with joy, 'I have been illiterate for so long'.
2. Mr. Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column 'SALARY EXPECTED'. He was not sure what to write there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.
3. This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai. cinema hi to hai'.
Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata'.
4. Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, 'Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?'
The sardarji replied, 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too'.
5. Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
'What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?' asked his neighbour.
'That's a good match. I'll use it again'.
6. Sardarji, 'Excuse me sir, what time is it?'
Man 'It's 315'.
Sardarji (puzzled look on his face) 'You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer'.
'Yes, of course', said the doctor, 'why not!'
'Oh! How nice it would be', said Banta with joy, 'I have been illiterate for so long'.
2. Mr. Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column 'SALARY EXPECTED'. He was not sure what to write there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.
3. This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai. cinema hi to hai'.
Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata'.
4. Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, 'Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?'
The sardarji replied, 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too'.
5. Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
'What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?' asked his neighbour.
'That's a good match. I'll use it again'.
6. Sardarji, 'Excuse me sir, what time is it?'
Man 'It's 315'.
Sardarji (puzzled look on his face) 'You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer'.
Sardarji Jokes
Sardars are the only people in this world who always feel happy on hearing jokes on themselves. Other people feel very jealous if any joke is made on them. This is the greatness of SARDARS!! They remain happy all the time and make people happy around themselves. They think that always be happy and make others happy!!
Sardarji goes for a job interview
A sardarji goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.
'So, Mr, can you tell us your age, please?'
The sardarji counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying. 'Um ... 22.'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The sardarji stands up and produces a measuring tape from his handbag.. he then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head. He checks the measurement and
announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good. So the interviewer goes for the real basics; something that he won't have to count, measure, or
lookup.
'Just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The sardarji bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, 'Gurpreet!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he
asks, 'What were you doing when I asked you your name?'
'Oh, that!' replies the sardarji,' I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Gurpreet...happy birthday to you...'. '
Sardars are the only people in this world who always feel happy on hearing jokes on themselves. Other people feel very jealous if any joke is made on them. This is the greatness of SARDARS!! They remain happy all the time and make people happy around themselves. They think that always be happy and make others happy!!
Sardarji goes for a job interview
A sardarji goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.
'So, Mr, can you tell us your age, please?'
The sardarji counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying. 'Um ... 22.'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The sardarji stands up and produces a measuring tape from his handbag.. he then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head. He checks the measurement and
announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good. So the interviewer goes for the real basics; something that he won't have to count, measure, or
lookup.
'Just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The sardarji bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, 'Gurpreet!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he
asks, 'What were you doing when I asked you your name?'
'Oh, that!' replies the sardarji,' I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Gurpreet...happy birthday to you...'. '
Helpful Tips for the over 50s
* Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
* Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.
* Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
* Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
* Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
* Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
* Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
* No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.
* Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
* Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!
* Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.
* Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
* Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.
* Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
* Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
* Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
* Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.
* Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
* Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.
* Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
* Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
* Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
* Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
* Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
* No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.
* Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
* Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!
* Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.
* Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
* Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.
* Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
* Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
* Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
* Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Try this. It really works.
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
Unbelievable? Believe it!
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
Unbelievable? Believe it!
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
JOR KA JHATKA DHEERE SE LAGE
Rohit (tall and very thin) was standing at the bus stop. Suddenly a car stops and a beautiful girl waves to him and calls him. Rohit was initially surprised but recognizes her. She was Jasmine, his old batch mate. He was wondering why she was calling him because she never ever gave him a lift in college. Anyway, he sat in car and Jasmine gave him a warm welcome (Kaise ho? Kya kar rahe ho? etc.) Then Jasmine offered to have coffee with him, which surprised Rohit all the more. Again he thought, 'Coffee with Jasmine!! ( the old dream)' and gave his consent.
Then Jasmine changed her mind and said, "Lets go to my house....there are a lot of people in the cafe ..."
Now rohit thought, "Aab to mazaa aa jaaye ga".
When they reached Jasmine's house she asks Rohit, "Why don't we sit in my bed room? We only have an AC in there".
Now Rohit was sure Jasmine phass gaye hai and he starts dreaming about her in the bed soon.
Jasmine then asked Rohit, "Why don't u take off your shirt? U'r sweating".
Rohit starts dreaming again about her in the bed and jasmine asks him to make himself comfortable.
"I will back in a minute", she says, and left Rohit alone in the room, thinking about Jasmine's @#$!%^$&%* .
Then after five minutes
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Jasmine enters the room with 2 children and says
"Deko bachon! Agar horlicks nahin piyoge to body iske jaisi hojaigi".
JOR KA JHATKA DHEERE SE LAGE
:-)
Rohit (tall and very thin) was standing at the bus stop. Suddenly a car stops and a beautiful girl waves to him and calls him. Rohit was initially surprised but recognizes her. She was Jasmine, his old batch mate. He was wondering why she was calling him because she never ever gave him a lift in college. Anyway, he sat in car and Jasmine gave him a warm welcome (Kaise ho? Kya kar rahe ho? etc.) Then Jasmine offered to have coffee with him, which surprised Rohit all the more. Again he thought, 'Coffee with Jasmine!! ( the old dream)' and gave his consent.
Then Jasmine changed her mind and said, "Lets go to my house....there are a lot of people in the cafe ..."
Now rohit thought, "Aab to mazaa aa jaaye ga".
When they reached Jasmine's house she asks Rohit, "Why don't we sit in my bed room? We only have an AC in there".
Now Rohit was sure Jasmine phass gaye hai and he starts dreaming about her in the bed soon.
Jasmine then asked Rohit, "Why don't u take off your shirt? U'r sweating".
Rohit starts dreaming again about her in the bed and jasmine asks him to make himself comfortable.
"I will back in a minute", she says, and left Rohit alone in the room, thinking about Jasmine's @#$!%^$&%* .
Then after five minutes
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Jasmine enters the room with 2 children and says
"Deko bachon! Agar horlicks nahin piyoge to body iske jaisi hojaigi".
JOR KA JHATKA DHEERE SE LAGE
:-)
Mahabharat
In a remote village of India one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to a class. He is at the 'Krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji : to bachcho, so kamsa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is goin to kill him. he was furious. he ordered to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning sencond one is born and kamsa thorws him off the mountain peak third one is born..
Now Ramu who is smartest puts up his hand.
Masterji (sounding nervous and confused) : Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in Mahabharata and how come u have one?
Ramu Beta : Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, why the hell did he put Vasudev and Devaki in the same cell??
In a remote village of India one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to a class. He is at the 'Krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji : to bachcho, so kamsa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is goin to kill him. he was furious. he ordered to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning sencond one is born and kamsa thorws him off the mountain peak third one is born..
Now Ramu who is smartest puts up his hand.
Masterji (sounding nervous and confused) : Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in Mahabharata and how come u have one?
Ramu Beta : Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, why the hell did he put Vasudev and Devaki in the same cell??
Lalooji
Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
Honda Meets God
Thanks to Zachu from Malasia for this joke.
Mr.. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven for judgment.
At the gates, St Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." > >Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out >with God. I have a question for Him." > >St Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. >
>Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" > >God said, "Ah, yes". > >"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major >design flaws in your Invention: >1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion, >2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds, >3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, >4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and >5..The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs" >"Mmmm, you do raise
some good points" replied God, "but, hold on." God >went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Thanks to Zachu from Malasia for this joke.
Mr.. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven for judgment.
At the gates, St Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." > >Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out >with God. I have a question for Him." > >St Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. >
>Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" > >God said, "Ah, yes". > >"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major >design flaws in your Invention: >1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion, >2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds, >3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, >4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and >5..The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs" >"Mmmm, you do raise
some good points" replied God, "but, hold on." God >went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Monday, May 17, 2004
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE ...
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages
cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security
while screwing others.
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages
cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security
while screwing others.
How to Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Vande Mata"Rome" !!!
Some Facts-
* A female refused the citizenship of MY country for 20 years.
* She took her husband and ran from MY country to Rome during the Indo/Pak war.
* She finally opted to get Indian citizenship only so that her husband could become PM.
* She hid with her husband in the Italian Embassy during emergency.
* She brought the BOFORS scam to MY country.
* She cant read a speech of her own even in CWC meetings.
After 57 years... India is again going to be under foriegn Rule. Guys can you believe Sonia Gandhi as our PM ,
Mulayam Singh as Defence Minister,
Laloo Prasad Yadav as our Home Minister,
Harkishan Singh Surjith as External affairs Minister.
All you people out there who have voted for her have shattered the nation Conress Party is a slave to the Nehru family and so are Congress supporters.
We all should agree that neither leader nor the team is OK.
Hope we don't commit the same mistake again (Elections will be held soon)
Some Facts-
* A female refused the citizenship of MY country for 20 years.
* She took her husband and ran from MY country to Rome during the Indo/Pak war.
* She finally opted to get Indian citizenship only so that her husband could become PM.
* She hid with her husband in the Italian Embassy during emergency.
* She brought the BOFORS scam to MY country.
* She cant read a speech of her own even in CWC meetings.
After 57 years... India is again going to be under foriegn Rule. Guys can you believe Sonia Gandhi as our PM ,
Mulayam Singh as Defence Minister,
Laloo Prasad Yadav as our Home Minister,
Harkishan Singh Surjith as External affairs Minister.
All you people out there who have voted for her have shattered the nation Conress Party is a slave to the Nehru family and so are Congress supporters.
We all should agree that neither leader nor the team is OK.
Hope we don't commit the same mistake again (Elections will be held soon)
Please help our friend to get a job
Chandrababu naidu's resume
NC Babu nc_babu@janmabumi.com
9848056567
SUMMARY:
Ø Around 9 years experience on Power Point Technology and E-mail Engineering
Ø Strong in Hitech-Technology, dominating and lobbying skills
Ø Worked on YS-Office, MS-Office, Doors, Windows NTR.x & Windows 2004
Ø Excellent problem solving and communication skills, making people sleepless skills, competence of a good team player and also as a TDP leader, ability to work on multiple parties.
Skill Set
Power Point Technology Hands on experience on PPT presentations and given to Ex.USA president Mr.Bill Gates
Hitech Skills Able to get MNCs and setups in Hyderabad
Leadership skills Able to lead entire Andhra Pradesh state
Dominating skills Able to control anybody include top leaders
Pulling and pushing skills Able to pull anybody and push anything
Academic Profile
YamaCom [M.Com ]
Awards
Chief Technology officer
Hitech man
Laptop man
Work Experience
Chief architect of APfirst.com,Worldbankloans.com
CEO of Andhra Pradesh - Dec 1995- till date
RECOMMENDED BY
ABVP
APJK
BILL GATES
BILL C
Conclusion
I am Desperately looking for a job in any software company, as software Engineer Trainee
Accept this resume and get back to me
Thanks and Regards,
Searching for job.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Hindi Shayari
Arz Kiya hai
1)aapne mere man se khela
aapne mere tan se khela
apne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;
noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
4) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
5) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
6) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
7) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath !
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath !
8) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
9) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
10) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI
HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE
BADHI HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR
AAGE BADHI AB HUM
SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI.
Big deal!
11) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
12) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
13) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
14) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
15) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
16) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
17) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
18) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi marti
Arz Kiya hai
1)aapne mere man se khela
aapne mere tan se khela
apne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;
noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
4) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
5) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
6) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
7) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath !
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath !
8) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
9) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
10) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI
HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE
BADHI HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR
AAGE BADHI AB HUM
SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI.
Big deal!
11) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
12) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
13) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
14) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
15) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
16) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
17) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
18) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi marti
Laloo joins M$
Once Laloo of Bihar, sent his bio data to america to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation. A few days later he got this reply.
" Dear Mr. Laloo , you do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks" Laloo jumped with joy on recieving this reply and arranged a party. when all the guests arrived, he said, "Bhaiyon aur behno, aap ko Jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum amreeca mein naukri mil gayeen hoon."
Everyone was delighted... Laloo continued.....
" Ab main aap sab ko apna appointment letter padkar sunaoonga, par letter
english mein hain isliyen saath - saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo ----- Pyare Laloo bhaiya
You do not meet ----- Aap to milte hi naheen ho
Our requirement----- Humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondance----- Ab letter wetter bhejne ka kauno jaroorat nahi
No phone call ------- Phoonwa ka bhi jaroorat nahee.
Shall be entertained ----- Bahut khatir ki jayegi
Thanks---- Aapka bahut bahut dhanyavad
Once Laloo of Bihar, sent his bio data to america to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation. A few days later he got this reply.
" Dear Mr. Laloo , you do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks" Laloo jumped with joy on recieving this reply and arranged a party. when all the guests arrived, he said, "Bhaiyon aur behno, aap ko Jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum amreeca mein naukri mil gayeen hoon."
Everyone was delighted... Laloo continued.....
" Ab main aap sab ko apna appointment letter padkar sunaoonga, par letter
english mein hain isliyen saath - saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo ----- Pyare Laloo bhaiya
You do not meet ----- Aap to milte hi naheen ho
Our requirement----- Humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondance----- Ab letter wetter bhejne ka kauno jaroorat nahi
No phone call ------- Phoonwa ka bhi jaroorat nahee.
Shall be entertained ----- Bahut khatir ki jayegi
Thanks---- Aapka bahut bahut dhanyavad
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet
eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and
said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet
eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and
said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
Some famous quotes of Albert Einstein
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same,
only without the cat
When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
Science, Philosophy and Religion
If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same,
only without the cat
When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
Science, Philosophy and Religion
If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Saturday, May 08, 2004
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with the man, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Santa & Banta
Santa Singh was driving his Mercedes at a furious pace and suddenly hits the car ahead, a Maruti, and both come to a complete halt.
The Maruti's driver, Banta Singh is furious. He steps out of his car and moves towards Santa. He makes a circle on the road and asks Santa to stand inside it and dares him to step out of it. He pulls out a rod and breaks the bonnet of the Mercedes.
He looks back at Santa and finds him laughing cunningly. This makes him even more furious and goes about breaking all the windows of the expensive car. Again looking back he finds Santa laughing! His anger peaking, Banta smashes whatever part of the Mercedes he can lay hands on. Yet again Santa is found smiling.
Frustated and tired, Banta finally asks Santa Singh, "What's the matter with you? I have completely torn apart your car and you continue to smile, what's wrong with you?"
Santa replies, "Well, you didn't know... you see, everytime you turned to smash my car, I stepped out of the circle!"
Santa Singh was driving his Mercedes at a furious pace and suddenly hits the car ahead, a Maruti, and both come to a complete halt.
The Maruti's driver, Banta Singh is furious. He steps out of his car and moves towards Santa. He makes a circle on the road and asks Santa to stand inside it and dares him to step out of it. He pulls out a rod and breaks the bonnet of the Mercedes.
He looks back at Santa and finds him laughing cunningly. This makes him even more furious and goes about breaking all the windows of the expensive car. Again looking back he finds Santa laughing! His anger peaking, Banta smashes whatever part of the Mercedes he can lay hands on. Yet again Santa is found smiling.
Frustated and tired, Banta finally asks Santa Singh, "What's the matter with you? I have completely torn apart your car and you continue to smile, what's wrong with you?"
Santa replies, "Well, you didn't know... you see, everytime you turned to smash my car, I stepped out of the circle!"
Making over Mona Lisa
The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci is perhaps the world's most famous masterpiece. She is a classic vision of beauty and sensuality, but let's face it, after 500 years, who couldn't use a little 'restoration?' Some Botox here, some collagen there, and she'll be looking centuries younger in no time. If not, try the chemical peel and surgery here
The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci is perhaps the world's most famous masterpiece. She is a classic vision of beauty and sensuality, but let's face it, after 500 years, who couldn't use a little 'restoration?' Some Botox here, some collagen there, and she'll be looking centuries younger in no time. If not, try the chemical peel and surgery here
If you're bored and have nothing else to do, try Placing the ear piece of your cell phone against the mouth piece of your landline, then call one phone with the other and talk into it.
Friday, May 07, 2004
A dog's diary:
8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
12 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
A cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...;)
8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
12 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
A cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...;)
Sardarji Jokes
Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab.
Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: With All of my part, You silly
Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had
purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?"
he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the
purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me,"
replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter
'Cholesterol free'".
Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government.
To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his
subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his
boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you
outstanding! Please income.
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is a donkey.)
Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala
gadha."
Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab.
Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: With All of my part, You silly
Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had
purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?"
he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the
purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me,"
replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter
'Cholesterol free'".
Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government.
To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his
subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his
boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you
outstanding! Please income.
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is a donkey.)
Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala
gadha."
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Reading the mind in Interviews
For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it's probably just as well that people can't read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:
INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I'm so pleased that we've finally had a chance to meet. (This loser's been clogging my Voicemail with desperate messages.)
APPLICANT: It's a pleasure to speak with you. (She's been dodging my messages for weeks. I'll never get this job.)
INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)
APPLICANT: I've known George for years, and he's very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot -- a well-connected idiot. And if he weren't my wife's brother, he wouldn't give me the time of day.)
INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I have a highly diversified background -- everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I'll find something I'm good at.)
INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here -- another jack-of-all-trades.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'd say I'm equally strong at all of them. (I hate them all. Why do I keep saying "well"?)
INTERVIEWER: Z Corporation takes pride in having well-rounded employees. (The only thing well-rounded about our employees is their derrieres.)
APPLICANT: I do feel that my broad range of experience allows me to see the big picture and enhances my ability to function pro-actively. (She'll never buy this. I don't even buy this.)
INTERVIEWER: That sounds very interesting. Why don't you tell me about your last job? (What crap. He's too sleazy even for sales.)
APPLICANT: I was the Northeast Sales Manager, responsible for directing a sales force of seventeen. Unfortunately, my position was eliminated as a result of our acquiring a large competitor. (One with a sales force that actually sold.)
INTERVIEWER: What do you feel you took from that experience? (I'll bet the only thing he took was their customer list.)
APPLICANT: I developed managerial skills including how to evaluate manpower, delegate tasks, and allocate responsibility. (Three martini lunches and their customer list.)
INTERVIEWER: If you had to name your greatest strength, what would that be? (They all claim strong interpersonal skills.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- that's a tough one. If I had to name just one, I suppose it would be strong interpersonal skills. (There I go with that "well" business again.)
INTERVIEWER: And your greatest weakness? (I wonder if he'll pick "perfectionist" or "workaholic.")
APPLICANT: My perfectionism does get me into trouble sometimes. And I have to fight my workaholic tendencies. (More like alcoholic tendencies.)
INTERVIEWER: That's very interesting. (Bingo.)
INTERVIEWER: I see you've worked for four companies in the last 18 months. Were all your terminations the result of downsizing? (I can't remember the last applicant who was terminated "for cause." Everybody's afraid of lawsuits.)
APPLICANT: Yes, I'm afraid this economic downturn has been tough on white collar workers like me. But a growing company such as yours is perfectly positioned to benefit from my skills and maturity. (I sure hope George has as much influence as he claims. Otherwise I'll never be able to afford the divorce.)
INTERVIEWER: What kind of position are you looking for? (If George makes me hire him, I'll quit.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'm flexible, of course. But the ideal position would both use my talents and skills and provide the kind of challenge that would grow me as an employee. (Something that pays well, isn't demanding, and has a fancy title. I sure wish I knew how much clout George has.)
INTERVIEWER: That's good to hear. (If he says "well" once more, I'll shoot him.)
INTERVIEWER: Are you presently considering any offers? (Fat chance!)
APPLICANT: Frankly, I've been targeting my job search to a few select firms such as yours. (Fat chance! I've been rejected or ignored by everyone within a fifty mile radius.)
INTERVIEWER: I see. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself? (I just love being lied to.)
APPLICANT: Only that I'm hard-working, a team player, and that I'm eager to make whatever contribution I can to your firm. (Will this interview never end?)
INTERVIEWER: Is there anything you'd like to ask about Z Corporation? (Please don't.)
APPLICANT: I think George has me pretty much up to speed about Z Corp. (What's the point of asking?)
INTERVIEWER: Good. But you may not be aware that many of our sales employees do their paperwork at home via computer hook-up with headquarters. How would you feel about that kind of set up? (It's either work at home or be stuffed into a two-by-four box like me.)
APPLICANT: Whatever's best for the company is fine by me. (Now we're talking four martini lunches.)
INTERVIEWER: We don't have many jobs available right now. Would you consider a trainee position on our software sales force? Not that I'm in a position to make you an offer, just yet. (Please say no, so I can tell George you turned me down.)
APPLICANT: I'm ready and willing to consider any and all offers from a company as respected as yours. (Damn that George. Next they'll ask me to sweep the floors. I must have sounded too desperate.)
INTERVIEWER: I'll be glad check our job slots against your credentials and see if we find a match. (I'd rather set fire to his pathetic resume.)
APPLICANT: Thank you so much for your time. I've enjoyed exchanging ideas with you. And I'm certain my references will confirm everything I've told you. (I hope they're better liars than I am.)
INTERVIEWER: It's certainly been a pleasure speaking with you. I'll be in contact as soon as I have an opportunity to touch base with your references. (They'll think I'm a lawyer when I get through cross-examining them.)
APPLICANT: Thanks. I really appreciate your time. (I'll never hear from her again.)
INTERVIEWER: You're very welcome. And lots of luck to you. (Boy, will he need it.)
APPLICANT: One last thing. When may I expect to hear from you? (I won't hold my breath.)
INTERVIEWER: Give it a week or two. (Don't hold your breath.)
For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it's probably just as well that people can't read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:
INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I'm so pleased that we've finally had a chance to meet. (This loser's been clogging my Voicemail with desperate messages.)
APPLICANT: It's a pleasure to speak with you. (She's been dodging my messages for weeks. I'll never get this job.)
INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)
APPLICANT: I've known George for years, and he's very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot -- a well-connected idiot. And if he weren't my wife's brother, he wouldn't give me the time of day.)
INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I have a highly diversified background -- everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I'll find something I'm good at.)
INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here -- another jack-of-all-trades.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'd say I'm equally strong at all of them. (I hate them all. Why do I keep saying "well"?)
INTERVIEWER: Z Corporation takes pride in having well-rounded employees. (The only thing well-rounded about our employees is their derrieres.)
APPLICANT: I do feel that my broad range of experience allows me to see the big picture and enhances my ability to function pro-actively. (She'll never buy this. I don't even buy this.)
INTERVIEWER: That sounds very interesting. Why don't you tell me about your last job? (What crap. He's too sleazy even for sales.)
APPLICANT: I was the Northeast Sales Manager, responsible for directing a sales force of seventeen. Unfortunately, my position was eliminated as a result of our acquiring a large competitor. (One with a sales force that actually sold.)
INTERVIEWER: What do you feel you took from that experience? (I'll bet the only thing he took was their customer list.)
APPLICANT: I developed managerial skills including how to evaluate manpower, delegate tasks, and allocate responsibility. (Three martini lunches and their customer list.)
INTERVIEWER: If you had to name your greatest strength, what would that be? (They all claim strong interpersonal skills.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- that's a tough one. If I had to name just one, I suppose it would be strong interpersonal skills. (There I go with that "well" business again.)
INTERVIEWER: And your greatest weakness? (I wonder if he'll pick "perfectionist" or "workaholic.")
APPLICANT: My perfectionism does get me into trouble sometimes. And I have to fight my workaholic tendencies. (More like alcoholic tendencies.)
INTERVIEWER: That's very interesting. (Bingo.)
INTERVIEWER: I see you've worked for four companies in the last 18 months. Were all your terminations the result of downsizing? (I can't remember the last applicant who was terminated "for cause." Everybody's afraid of lawsuits.)
APPLICANT: Yes, I'm afraid this economic downturn has been tough on white collar workers like me. But a growing company such as yours is perfectly positioned to benefit from my skills and maturity. (I sure hope George has as much influence as he claims. Otherwise I'll never be able to afford the divorce.)
INTERVIEWER: What kind of position are you looking for? (If George makes me hire him, I'll quit.)
APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'm flexible, of course. But the ideal position would both use my talents and skills and provide the kind of challenge that would grow me as an employee. (Something that pays well, isn't demanding, and has a fancy title. I sure wish I knew how much clout George has.)
INTERVIEWER: That's good to hear. (If he says "well" once more, I'll shoot him.)
INTERVIEWER: Are you presently considering any offers? (Fat chance!)
APPLICANT: Frankly, I've been targeting my job search to a few select firms such as yours. (Fat chance! I've been rejected or ignored by everyone within a fifty mile radius.)
INTERVIEWER: I see. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself? (I just love being lied to.)
APPLICANT: Only that I'm hard-working, a team player, and that I'm eager to make whatever contribution I can to your firm. (Will this interview never end?)
INTERVIEWER: Is there anything you'd like to ask about Z Corporation? (Please don't.)
APPLICANT: I think George has me pretty much up to speed about Z Corp. (What's the point of asking?)
INTERVIEWER: Good. But you may not be aware that many of our sales employees do their paperwork at home via computer hook-up with headquarters. How would you feel about that kind of set up? (It's either work at home or be stuffed into a two-by-four box like me.)
APPLICANT: Whatever's best for the company is fine by me. (Now we're talking four martini lunches.)
INTERVIEWER: We don't have many jobs available right now. Would you consider a trainee position on our software sales force? Not that I'm in a position to make you an offer, just yet. (Please say no, so I can tell George you turned me down.)
APPLICANT: I'm ready and willing to consider any and all offers from a company as respected as yours. (Damn that George. Next they'll ask me to sweep the floors. I must have sounded too desperate.)
INTERVIEWER: I'll be glad check our job slots against your credentials and see if we find a match. (I'd rather set fire to his pathetic resume.)
APPLICANT: Thank you so much for your time. I've enjoyed exchanging ideas with you. And I'm certain my references will confirm everything I've told you. (I hope they're better liars than I am.)
INTERVIEWER: It's certainly been a pleasure speaking with you. I'll be in contact as soon as I have an opportunity to touch base with your references. (They'll think I'm a lawyer when I get through cross-examining them.)
APPLICANT: Thanks. I really appreciate your time. (I'll never hear from her again.)
INTERVIEWER: You're very welcome. And lots of luck to you. (Boy, will he need it.)
APPLICANT: One last thing. When may I expect to hear from you? (I won't hold my breath.)
INTERVIEWER: Give it a week or two. (Don't hold your breath.)
kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai,
kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai,
ke kyon kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai??
kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai,
ke kyon kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai??
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they
were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they
were single!
were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they
were single!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
You know you've been at your computer too long...
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number...
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number...
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
Be Careful while dealing with Lawyers
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big
case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls,
and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the
company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried
in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big
case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls,
and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the
company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried
in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Join the army of the Lord.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing
at the door, as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I'm in the secret service.”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing
at the door, as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I'm in the secret service.”
Sample Resume
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "then you ask him."
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing
a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "then you ask him."
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing
a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."
In Paradise
Don't step on a duck when you are in heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Don't step on a duck when you are in heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Last Wishes
This is a story about the wishes of few people who are entering paradise
A bus carrying only ugly people rashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:...........
"Make 'em all ugly again".
This is a story about the wishes of few people who are entering paradise
A bus carrying only ugly people rashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:...........
"Make 'em all ugly again".
