Friday, June 25, 2004
Friday, June 18, 2004
H R Policies
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not
need a raise.
If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise
money to pay your salary.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to
give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have
exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not
need a raise.
If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise
money to pay your salary.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to
give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have
exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
A guy dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many
more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very
long
line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are
there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a
software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails
and then goes to the cafeteria..."
----------------------
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come
you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....
"Try to do it when the engine is running". .....................
----------------------
Group of Managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladder and
tape measures.They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures the whole thing is just a mess.An Engineer comes along and sees
what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the
ground,lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the
Engineer
has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just
like an engineer! We're looking for height and he gives the
length!"
Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault
in Engineers.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many
more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very
long
line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are
there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a
software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails
and then goes to the cafeteria..."
----------------------
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come
you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....
"Try to do it when the engine is running". .....................
----------------------
Group of Managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladder and
tape measures.They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures the whole thing is just a mess.An Engineer comes along and sees
what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the
ground,lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the
Engineer
has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just
like an engineer! We're looking for height and he gives the
length!"
Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault
in Engineers.
A Guide to Effective Technical & Scientific Communication
=============================================
Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
It is believed I think
It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
assume anything
Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance
Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them
The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied
The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up
The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear
It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it
Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field
These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding
I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data
=============================================
Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
It is believed I think
It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
assume anything
Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance
Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them
The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied
The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up
The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear
It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it
Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field
These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding
I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data
Thursday, June 17, 2004
IT Division of ancient India
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Brahma | Systems Installation |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Vishnu | Systems Administration & Support |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Lakshmi | Finance and Accounts consultant |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Saraswati| Training ans Knowledge Management|
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Shiva | DBA (Crash Specialist) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Ganesh | Quality Assuarance & Documentation |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Narada | Data transfer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Yama | Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Chitragupta | IDP & Personal Records |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Apsaras | Downloadable Viruses |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Devas | Mainframe Programmers |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Surya | Solaris Administrator |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Rakshasas | In house Hackers |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Ravan | Internet Explorer - WWWF |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Kumbhakarnan | Zombie Process |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Lakshman | Support Software and Backup |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Hanuman | Linux/s390 |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Baali | M$ Windows |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Sugreeva | DOS |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Jatayu | Firewall |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dronacharya |System Programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Vishwamitra | Sr. Manager Projects |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Shakuni | Annual appraisal & Promotion |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Valmiki | Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Krishna | SDLC ( Sudarshan Development Life Cycle ) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dharmaraj Yudhishthira | ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Arjun | Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Abhimanyu | Trainee Programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Draupadi |Motivation & Team building|
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Bhima | MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Duryodhana | Microsoft product Written in VB |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Karna | Contract programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dhrutarashtra |Visual C++ |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Gandhari | Dreamweaver |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| 100 Kauravas | Microsoft Service Packs and patches |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Brahma | Systems Installation |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Vishnu | Systems Administration & Support |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Lakshmi | Finance and Accounts consultant |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Saraswati| Training ans Knowledge Management|
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Shiva | DBA (Crash Specialist) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Ganesh | Quality Assuarance & Documentation |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Narada | Data transfer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Yama | Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Chitragupta | IDP & Personal Records |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Apsaras | Downloadable Viruses |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Devas | Mainframe Programmers |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Surya | Solaris Administrator |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Rakshasas | In house Hackers |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Ravan | Internet Explorer - WWWF |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Kumbhakarnan | Zombie Process |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Lakshman | Support Software and Backup |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Hanuman | Linux/s390 |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Baali | M$ Windows |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Sugreeva | DOS |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Jatayu | Firewall |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dronacharya |System Programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Vishwamitra | Sr. Manager Projects |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Shakuni | Annual appraisal & Promotion |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Valmiki | Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Krishna | SDLC ( Sudarshan Development Life Cycle ) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dharmaraj Yudhishthira | ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Arjun | Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him) |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Abhimanyu | Trainee Programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Draupadi |Motivation & Team building|
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Bhima | MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Duryodhana | Microsoft product Written in VB |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Karna | Contract programmer |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Dhrutarashtra |Visual C++ |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| Gandhari | Dreamweaver |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
--|
| 100 Kauravas | Microsoft Service Packs and patches |
|--------------------------------+--------------------------------------
Expect the unexpected... ;)
The man whispered, "God, speak to me"
and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.
The man yelled, "God, speak to me"
and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.
And, the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.
The man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down
and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ...and walked on.
The man cried,
"God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out
with forwarded jokes.
But, the man deleted it and continued crying ...
Don't miss out on a blessing
because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
The man whispered, "God, speak to me"
and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.
The man yelled, "God, speak to me"
and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.
And, the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.
The man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down
and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ...and walked on.
The man cried,
"God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out
with forwarded jokes.
But, the man deleted it and continued crying ...
Don't miss out on a blessing
because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
See the wife Bashing by a funny chap
My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems.
Just goes to show ya how much she knows — I’m never home.
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm,
trim body or my intellect. She said, “Your sense of humor dear.”
I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive
driver. I pointed out that if she’s ever in an accident, the paper’s
gonna print her real age.
My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car
in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems.
Just goes to show ya how much she knows — I’m never home.
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm,
trim body or my intellect. She said, “Your sense of humor dear.”
I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive
driver. I pointed out that if she’s ever in an accident, the paper’s
gonna print her real age.
My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car
in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Friday, June 11, 2004
Tips From Subordinates to Superiors
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm and then bring it
in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how
I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm
not here for the money anyway.
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm and then bring it
in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how
I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at
every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm
not here for the money anyway.
US President George W. Bush is sick of hearing that he is stupid so he consults with the Vice President Dick Cheney. Dick advises to have a medical check up of George's brain. Here is what the Doctor said after scanning the Presidential Brain:
Your Excellency,Unlike others, your brain is a masterpiece. It has 2 valves. The left
& the right. The left has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it!
Delegates from Japan visited India especially Bihar
seeing the condition over there they talked to Lallu
and told him We will make Bihar like Japan in six months
Then Lallu told six months U are so slow give Japan to me
I will make it like Bihar in three days
Saddam Hussain visited GOd and asked when can he see the defeat of
US? Then god told not in your life time......... He left crying?
Then Musharaf came and asked when he can see the defeat ofIndia?
God replied not in your life time and he also started crying...
The other person visited god is the Pakistan cricket captain Insamam and
asked when he can see the defeat of Indian cricket team? God replied
not in your life time son. He also left crying...........
Then Ricky ponting came and asked When can I see the defeat of Indian team in India?
God told not in your life time and ponting also left crying?
The our hero Lallu came and asked God when I can see Bihar prosperous?
Then God started crying saying not in my life time
Your Excellency,Unlike others, your brain is a masterpiece. It has 2 valves. The left
& the right. The left has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it!
Delegates from Japan visited India especially Bihar
seeing the condition over there they talked to Lallu
and told him We will make Bihar like Japan in six months
Then Lallu told six months U are so slow give Japan to me
I will make it like Bihar in three days
Saddam Hussain visited GOd and asked when can he see the defeat of
US? Then god told not in your life time......... He left crying?
Then Musharaf came and asked when he can see the defeat ofIndia?
God replied not in your life time and he also started crying...
The other person visited god is the Pakistan cricket captain Insamam and
asked when he can see the defeat of Indian cricket team? God replied
not in your life time son. He also left crying...........
Then Ricky ponting came and asked When can I see the defeat of Indian team in India?
God told not in your life time and ponting also left crying?
The our hero Lallu came and asked God when I can see Bihar prosperous?
Then God started crying saying not in my life time
Our honourable Rail Mantri plans to conduct surprise checks on trains in disguise.
The Mantri could become a police sipahi, donning khakis and wielding a danda to make sure sab kuch theek hain
What better way to keep track of strangers on a train than just play guard? Who would ever suspect that the man flagging off your train is actually the Maha Mantri himself?
What better way to know the railways than to travel like a common man! When was the last time the Mantri traveled like you and me?
The Mantri as coolie? Tauba! Tauba! Laloo can take heart from the fact that the last star to play the role was a certain Mr Govinda.
Help desks are a neat niche for the Mantri to observe goings on at railway stations, to sniff out the goons from the good guys, the crooks from honest folk. And while he is there, Laloo could give those grumpy guys some lessons in courtesy. Perhaps they could serve with a smile!
The Mantri has plans to serve tea all over the Indian Railways in kulhads (clay pots). If he dressed as one of those belligerent hawkers at railway stations, no one would spot Laloo. Though that voice, heard in a zillion quips on nation television, may be a giveaway.
The Mantri could become a police sipahi, donning khakis and wielding a danda to make sure sab kuch theek hain
What better way to keep track of strangers on a train than just play guard? Who would ever suspect that the man flagging off your train is actually the Maha Mantri himself?
What better way to know the railways than to travel like a common man! When was the last time the Mantri traveled like you and me?
The Mantri as coolie? Tauba! Tauba! Laloo can take heart from the fact that the last star to play the role was a certain Mr Govinda.
Help desks are a neat niche for the Mantri to observe goings on at railway stations, to sniff out the goons from the good guys, the crooks from honest folk. And while he is there, Laloo could give those grumpy guys some lessons in courtesy. Perhaps they could serve with a smile!
The Mantri has plans to serve tea all over the Indian Railways in kulhads (clay pots). If he dressed as one of those belligerent hawkers at railway stations, no one would spot Laloo. Though that voice, heard in a zillion quips on nation television, may be a giveaway.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Some Funny Thoughts
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
====================================================
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
=====================================================
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !
=====================================================
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
==================================================
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
====================================================
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
=================================================
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
===================================================
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
===================================================
True friends stab you in the front
====================================================
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
=================================================
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
====================================================
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
=================================================
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
=================================================
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
=================================================
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
=================================================
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
===============================================
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
=================================================
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
=================================================
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
=================================================
Early to bed,
early to rise,
your girl goes out
with other guys.
=================================================
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
=================================================
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
=================================================
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
=================================================
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
====================================================
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
=====================================================
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !
=====================================================
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
==================================================
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
====================================================
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
=================================================
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
===================================================
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
===================================================
True friends stab you in the front
====================================================
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
=================================================
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
====================================================
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
=================================================
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
=================================================
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
=================================================
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
=================================================
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
===============================================
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
=================================================
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
=================================================
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
=================================================
Early to bed,
early to rise,
your girl goes out
with other guys.
=================================================
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
=================================================
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
=================================================
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
=================================================
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Microsoft Code
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
Murphey's Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
New Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.
Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).
MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?
FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.
Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).
MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?
FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
Program Managers
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Proper Diskette and Care Usage
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Lets have some computer jokes...
Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
4. Viruses don't have major bugs.
5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
7. Viruses aren't on every computer.
8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...
9. Viruses install themselves !
Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
4. Viruses don't have major bugs.
5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
7. Viruses aren't on every computer.
8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...
9. Viruses install themselves !
Monday, June 07, 2004
During an International conference, three scientists, an American,
a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about
the technological advances their respective countries have achieved
in the field
of medicine.
The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born
without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's
grown up
and became a professional boxer and a gold medallist in the
Olympics!"
The German replied, "That's nothing compared to what we
have achieved.Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs
so
we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time
Olympics marathon gold medallist!"
The Indian interjected, "Is that all you have achieved , just
gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar, we had a baby boy born without a
HEAD!
We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and
now he is the railway minister of india!!
a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about
the technological advances their respective countries have achieved
in the field
of medicine.
The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born
without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's
grown up
and became a professional boxer and a gold medallist in the
Olympics!"
The German replied, "That's nothing compared to what we
have achieved.Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs
so
we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time
Olympics marathon gold medallist!"
The Indian interjected, "Is that all you have achieved , just
gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar, we had a baby boy born without a
HEAD!
We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and
now he is the railway minister of india!!
Here is the recent analysis of Indian Software female
> professionals!!!!!!
> class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
> {
> double styles;
> short skirts;
> long time_to_understand_problems;
> float mind;
> void knowledge();
> char non_co_operative;
> };
>
> class Married_female_Software_Professional
> {
> double weight;
> short tempered;
> long gossips;
> float hopes;
> void work();
> char unstable;
> };
>
> class Female_Engaged_software_professional
> {
> double time_on_phone;
> short attention_on_work;
> long boast;
> float on_cloud_nine;
> void understanding();
> char edgy;
> };
>
> class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
> {
> double dinner_invitations;
> short time_at_work;
> long lunch_breaks;
> float talks;
> void bank_balance();
> char hen_pecked;
> };
>
> class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
> {
> string income;
> short temper;
> long time_no_see;
> float new_software_company;
> void love_life();
> if((income == "wife") && (income == "husband"))
> {
> void No_Sex();
> char money_minded;
> }
> else
> {
> void happy_life();
> }
> };
> professionals!!!!!!
> class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
> {
> double styles;
> short skirts;
> long time_to_understand_problems;
> float mind;
> void knowledge();
> char non_co_operative;
> };
>
> class Married_female_Software_Professional
> {
> double weight;
> short tempered;
> long gossips;
> float hopes;
> void work();
> char unstable;
> };
>
> class Female_Engaged_software_professional
> {
> double time_on_phone;
> short attention_on_work;
> long boast;
> float on_cloud_nine;
> void understanding();
> char edgy;
> };
>
> class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
> {
> double dinner_invitations;
> short time_at_work;
> long lunch_breaks;
> float talks;
> void bank_balance();
> char hen_pecked;
> };
>
> class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
> {
> string income;
> short temper;
> long time_no_see;
> float new_software_company;
> void love_life();
> if((income == "wife") && (income == "husband"))
> {
> void No_Sex();
> char money_minded;
> }
> else
> {
> void happy_life();
> }
> };
Hey joke lovers!!
here are some for u after a long a gap
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC(IAS)Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......
here are some for u after a long a gap
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC(IAS)Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......
