Friday, July 30, 2004
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured
the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work.
====
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
when they passed a field full of sheep.
"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
Watson to Holmes.
"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.
"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
legs and divided by four!"
======
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured
the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work.
====
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
when they passed a field full of sheep.
"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
Watson to Holmes.
"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.
"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
legs and divided by four!"
======
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties
1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).
Chemical Properties :
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious
Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.
Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties
1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).
Chemical Properties :
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious
Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.
Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
Chemistry Jokes
... and here's a nice phrase my old chemistry teacher taught us:
"All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons"
A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and
decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her
professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye
and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was
intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five
minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to
ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of
acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No sir," one student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't
dissolve in this particular acid."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
"Not all chemicals are bad. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen we
cannot make water, an essential ingredient in beer"
My name is Bond - Covalent Bond.
A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
Bunsen burner:
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.
Only 1 individual answered the question right.
The question was "If h20 is water, what is h204?"
This was a quick question.
The answer is:
If h20 is water, what is h20 "4" (for)...drinking, bathing, etc.
Q: What weapon of mass destruction can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.
chemical formula:
HIJKLMNO
What is it? It's the formula for water.
What's the formula for an ice cube?
-H-two-O-CUBED
... and here's a nice phrase my old chemistry teacher taught us:
"All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons"
A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and
decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her
professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye
and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was
intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five
minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to
ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of
acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No sir," one student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't
dissolve in this particular acid."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
"Not all chemicals are bad. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen we
cannot make water, an essential ingredient in beer"
My name is Bond - Covalent Bond.
A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
Bunsen burner:
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.
Only 1 individual answered the question right.
The question was "If h20 is water, what is h204?"
This was a quick question.
The answer is:
If h20 is water, what is h20 "4" (for)...drinking, bathing, etc.
Q: What weapon of mass destruction can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.
chemical formula:
HIJKLMNO
What is it? It's the formula for water.
What's the formula for an ice cube?
-H-two-O-CUBED
Thursday, July 29, 2004
EXPLANATION OF A SUN ECLIPSE GIVEN AT A BARRACKS
CAPTAIN TO SERGEANT:
Tomorrow there will be a sun eclipse, so I have resolved that the company
will be at the drill field in campaign uniform, where I will give
explanations about the phenomenon, which does not happens every day. If it
rains, though, the company will remain in quarters.
SERGEANT TO CORPORAL:
By orders of our captain, there will be a sun eclipse tomorrow in campaign
uniform. The whole company must be present at the drill field, where our
captain will give explanations about the phenomenon inside the quarters,
which doesn't happen every day if it rains.
CORPORAL TO PRIVATES:
Tomorrow, there'll be a sun eclipse, which will give the necessary
explanations about our captain. The phenomenon will go out in campaign
uniform to the drill field, except if it rains in the quarters, which
doesn't happen every day.
PRIVATE TO RECRUIT:
We'll go out tomorrow to a campaign in a sun eclipse that our captain's
phenomenon fixed up to rain uniforms in the drill field. If it rains,
though, the company will give explanations in quarters, which doesn't happen
every day.
RECRUIT TO FAMILY:
Tomorrow will rain a sun eclipse in quarters, which our captain gave the
company so the drill phenomenon will go to the uniform campaign. If it rains
in the uniforms, which doesn't happen every day, we'll have to take the
eclipse inside quarters.
CAPTAIN TO SERGEANT:
Tomorrow there will be a sun eclipse, so I have resolved that the company
will be at the drill field in campaign uniform, where I will give
explanations about the phenomenon, which does not happens every day. If it
rains, though, the company will remain in quarters.
SERGEANT TO CORPORAL:
By orders of our captain, there will be a sun eclipse tomorrow in campaign
uniform. The whole company must be present at the drill field, where our
captain will give explanations about the phenomenon inside the quarters,
which doesn't happen every day if it rains.
CORPORAL TO PRIVATES:
Tomorrow, there'll be a sun eclipse, which will give the necessary
explanations about our captain. The phenomenon will go out in campaign
uniform to the drill field, except if it rains in the quarters, which
doesn't happen every day.
PRIVATE TO RECRUIT:
We'll go out tomorrow to a campaign in a sun eclipse that our captain's
phenomenon fixed up to rain uniforms in the drill field. If it rains,
though, the company will give explanations in quarters, which doesn't happen
every day.
RECRUIT TO FAMILY:
Tomorrow will rain a sun eclipse in quarters, which our captain gave the
company so the drill phenomenon will go to the uniform campaign. If it rains
in the uniforms, which doesn't happen every day, we'll have to take the
eclipse inside quarters.
Q.) What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A.) A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait
line while a physicist wants more data!!!
A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic: they operate on
smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount
of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets
out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many times have
you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has
been emitted?
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when
you want the light, whereas the sun shines
during the day when you don't need it.
Why Ms. moon has left Mr. sun?
answer.. Because he never wants to go out by the night with her..
A.) A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait
line while a physicist wants more data!!!
A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic: they operate on
smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount
of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets
out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many times have
you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has
been emitted?
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when
you want the light, whereas the sun shines
during the day when you don't need it.
Why Ms. moon has left Mr. sun?
answer.. Because he never wants to go out by the night with her..
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
Einstein.
Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out."
Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how?
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
That means I am Newton per meter square..
Hence I am Pascal.
Since newton per meter square = Pascal
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
Einstein.
Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out."
Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how?
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
That means I am Newton per meter square..
Hence I am Pascal.
Since newton per meter square = Pascal
Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!
Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....
Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive
policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.
Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.
The first one says, "What are you in for?"
The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."
Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!
Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test- They can all be bombs.
Q:What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
A:A Trans-sister
Q:What is horsepower?
A:The power it takes to drag a horse a given distance in a given amount of
time.
My highschool physics teacher, who thought of himself as a very funny punster, was explaining the unit of measure for frequency. He said, "The unit for cycles-per-second is called the Hertz, which is named after a famous scientist who also started a car rental company." The whole class groaned, and I said, "Sir, that was so funny it Hertz."
A physics teacher was talking about the acceleration of free-fall. She wrote a 'g' letter
on the board, and asked 'How can we measure this constant? Do you have any
idea?' One of them stood up, came to the board, and measured the length of
the 'g' letter on the board, and said 'by a ruler, teacher!
Sign on railroad station:
These railroads are subject to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: Position
and Velocity of a given train can not be specified at the same time.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: "Do you know how fast
you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"
Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!
Einstein
-''--.
_`> `\.-'<
_.' _ '._
.' _.=' '=._ '.
>_ / /_\ /_\ \ _<
/ ( \o/\\o/ ) >._\ .-,_)-. /_.<
/__/ \__ '---'
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!
Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....
Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive
policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.
Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.
The first one says, "What are you in for?"
The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."
Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!
Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test- They can all be bombs.
Q:What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
A:A Trans-sister
Q:What is horsepower?
A:The power it takes to drag a horse a given distance in a given amount of
time.
My highschool physics teacher, who thought of himself as a very funny punster, was explaining the unit of measure for frequency. He said, "The unit for cycles-per-second is called the Hertz, which is named after a famous scientist who also started a car rental company." The whole class groaned, and I said, "Sir, that was so funny it Hertz."
A physics teacher was talking about the acceleration of free-fall. She wrote a 'g' letter
on the board, and asked 'How can we measure this constant? Do you have any
idea?' One of them stood up, came to the board, and measured the length of
the 'g' letter on the board, and said 'by a ruler, teacher!
Sign on railroad station:
These railroads are subject to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: Position
and Velocity of a given train can not be specified at the same time.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: "Do you know how fast
you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"
Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!
Einstein
-''--.
_`> `\.-'<
_.' _ '._
.' _.=' '=._ '.
>_ / /_\ /_\ \ _<
/ ( \o/\\o/ ) >._\ .-,_)-. /_.<
/__/ \__ '---'
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
SCIENCE
When Newton had thought out "The Theory of Relativity with Quantum
Mechanics", he got an apple on his head and had to start from the
beginning.
=======
Q: How does Einstein begin a story?
A: Once upon a space-time......
======
Q: Why should followers of special theory of relativity not be taken
seriously?
A: They fail to see the gravity of the situation.
===
I happen to know something that is faster than light!! :)
Darkness.
Try this: lock yourself inside a darkened room. Then, slowly, open the
door. You can surely see the light coming in, but you can´t see the
darkness going out. That´s how fast it is!!!
When Newton had thought out "The Theory of Relativity with Quantum
Mechanics", he got an apple on his head and had to start from the
beginning.
=======
Q: How does Einstein begin a story?
A: Once upon a space-time......
======
Q: Why should followers of special theory of relativity not be taken
seriously?
A: They fail to see the gravity of the situation.
===
I happen to know something that is faster than light!! :)
Darkness.
Try this: lock yourself inside a darkened room. Then, slowly, open the
door. You can surely see the light coming in, but you can´t see the
darkness going out. That´s how fast it is!!!
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his
mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned
this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his
teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the
homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her
what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said
that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what
he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here
in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."
mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned
this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his
teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the
homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her
what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said
that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what
he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here
in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
Friday, July 23, 2004
The Cows!!
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one,
and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign
them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce 20 times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer
them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't
know where they are.You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which
belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRITISH COW: You have Two Cows. One is is Cloned and
the other has Mad Cow Disease.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one,
and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign
them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce 20 times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer
them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't
know where they are.You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which
belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRITISH COW: You have Two Cows. One is is Cloned and
the other has Mad Cow Disease.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
Driving Styles!
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. - Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator... - Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car - Welcome to India!
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. - Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator... - Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car - Welcome to India!
Banta Singh: "Yaar Santa, last year the name-plate outside your house read Santa Singh, B.A. This year it reads Santa Singh, M.A.When did you finish your Masters Degree?"
Santa Singh: "You don't understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate Bachelor Again. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is Married Again."
Santa Singh: "You don't understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate Bachelor Again. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is Married Again."
Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy..
Both were traveling to US.
Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?"
James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond."
James Bond: "and you?"
Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana
Siva Venkata Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.."
Both were traveling to US.
Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?"
James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond."
James Bond: "and you?"
Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana
Siva Venkata Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.."
A Japanese traveler wanted to visit India. He reached the airport & hailed
a taxi. The taxi driver was from Calcutta.
The Japanese said: Your taxi goes very slow. Japanese taxi goes very fast.
Your buses are very slow. Japanese buses are very fast.
'What!!!!' yelled the Japanese at the end of the journey, 'your meter goes
very fast!'
'Yes, sir', said the taxi driver, 'it is made in Japan!'
a taxi. The taxi driver was from Calcutta.
The Japanese said: Your taxi goes very slow. Japanese taxi goes very fast.
Your buses are very slow. Japanese buses are very fast.
'What!!!!' yelled the Japanese at the end of the journey, 'your meter goes
very fast!'
'Yes, sir', said the taxi driver, 'it is made in Japan!'
Thursday, July 22, 2004
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig
to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
teter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Rgadres
waht I was rdanieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig
to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
teter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Rgadres
Arab Guys
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East ssignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainted. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East ssignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainted. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
Sardarji
Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall
building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds
idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I
find idlis in the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says IfI
find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die"
Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and
says"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens
his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the
20th floor and dies. Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch" The Bengali's
widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"
The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!
Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall
building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds
idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I
find idlis in the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says IfI
find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die"
Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and
says"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens
his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the
20th floor and dies. Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch" The Bengali's
widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"
The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!
Sardarji
Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall
building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds
idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I
find idlis in the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says IfI
find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die"
Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and
says"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens
his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the
20th floor and dies. Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch" The Bengali's
widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"
The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!
Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall
building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds
idlis in the box. He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I
find idlis in the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says IfI
find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die"
Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and
says"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens
his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the
20th floor and dies. Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Mallu's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch" The Bengali's
widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"
The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!
>>SCRABBLE
>>This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there
either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see
the last one!)
>>GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
>>DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
>>EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
>>PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
>>DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
>>THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
>>SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
>>ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
>>MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
>>SNOOZE ALARMS: W! hen you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z''S
>>A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
>>THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
>>ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
>>This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there
either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see
the last one!)
>>GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
>>DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
>>EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
>>PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
>>DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
>>THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
>>SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
>>ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
>>MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
>>SNOOZE ALARMS: W! hen you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z''S
>>A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
>>THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
>>ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Funeral
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black
dog.Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time
to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that
first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My
dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the
second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied
"Join the queue."
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black
dog.Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time
to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that
first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My
dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the
second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied
"Join the queue."
Monday, July 19, 2004
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Dilbert-Related
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there.As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
The Fact Of Life
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
19. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
26. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
27. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
28. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
30. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
31. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
32. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
33. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
39. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Software Marketing terminology explained:
Alpha: Software that is so buggy that even the beta testers won't install it.Announced date: The date the product manager hopes to go on vacation.
API: A function library with more than 200 minimally distinguishable entry points.
Beta: Software that isn't quite finished, as in "beta late than never."
Chief Technology Officer: The guy in charge of the PowerPoint slide show.
Fact sheet: What's left of the specification after the product ships.
Focus group: Buying drinks for market analysts.
Fully compatible: Same old features.
In manufacturing: The programmers are still "manufacturing" features.
In shipping: Someone in the 00000 ZIP code has a copy -- most likely the product manager's brother-in-law. No one else will get a copy for weeks.
Industry insiders: Disgruntled employees after one too many drinks.
Long-term planning: What will happen when the new marketing VP is hired.
Market research: Buying drinks for customers.
Memory leak: What the company president remembers telling the market analysts.
Minimum system requirements: The oldest PC anyone could find in the company storeroom.
Multitasking: The ability to crash several programs at the same time.
Multithreading: The ability to crash a single program in several ways at the same time.
New and improved: Totally incompatible.
On schedule: Will include a coupon in the box for the missing pieces.
Online help: Call the psychic hotline for technical support.
Open architecture: The developers didn't finish half of what was in the spec.
Press leak: The company president speaking to market analysts.
Press release: What the marketing department thought was being built. Often confused with the specification for the next version.
Release candidate: Software built just before a major holiday.
SDK: A development system without documentation.
Short-term planning: Meeting payroll.
Strategic partnership: A couple of second-rate companies that cannot afford to merge.
Trade secret: Another way to say "we don't have the source code."
Upwardly compatible: Lots of new bugs.
User friendly: Lots and lots of gratuitous bitmaps.
Visionary: CEO who has not yet bankrupted a company
Top 20 programers excusesThe Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." 18. "It worked yesterday." 17. "How is that possible?" 16. "It must be a hardware problem." 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" 14. "There is something funky in your data." 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" 12. "You must have the wrong version." 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence." 10. "I can't test everything!" 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT." 8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested." 7. "Somebody must have changed my code." 6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?" 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel? 4. "You can't use that version on your system." 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?" 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?" And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work: 1. "It works on my machine." | |
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Children say the funniest stuff
A little girl had just finished her first week of school."I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God! ."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Fred and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Fred received his plate he started eating right away.
"Fred, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"But that's at our house," Fred explained, "this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
Then I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
My son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush, held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of the parents."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room quickly burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then at the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And, why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
Friday, July 16, 2004
mera bharat mahan
Bengali
One Bengali is a poet
Two Bengalis is a film society
Three Bengalis is a political party
Four Bengalis is two political parties
Bihari
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad
Three Biharis is a caste killing
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of
Patna
Punjabi
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his bigger brother
-Twinky
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds
Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one
Mallu
One Mallu is a coconut stall
Two Mallus is a boat race
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket
Four Mallus is an oil slick
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly
Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad
Gujju
One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train
Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train
Three Gujjus is Bombay's noisiest restaurant
Four Gujjus is a stock market scam
Andhraite
One Andhraite is a chilli farmer
Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit
Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory
Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit
Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple
Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class
Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Bombayite
One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall
Two Bombayites is a film studio
Three Bombayites is a slum
Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in
the train at rush hour
Sindhi
One Sindhi is a currency racket
Two Sindhis is a papad factory
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar
Four Sindhis is the Hong Kong Retail Traders Association
Marwari
One Marwari is the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator
Two Marwaris own 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris can finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis
Four Marwaris will threaten the Jews as a community
Bengali
One Bengali is a poet
Two Bengalis is a film society
Three Bengalis is a political party
Four Bengalis is two political parties
Bihari
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad
Three Biharis is a caste killing
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of
Patna
Punjabi
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his bigger brother
-Twinky
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds
Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one
Mallu
One Mallu is a coconut stall
Two Mallus is a boat race
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket
Four Mallus is an oil slick
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly
Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad
Gujju
One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train
Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train
Three Gujjus is Bombay's noisiest restaurant
Four Gujjus is a stock market scam
Andhraite
One Andhraite is a chilli farmer
Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit
Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory
Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit
Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple
Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class
Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Bombayite
One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall
Two Bombayites is a film studio
Three Bombayites is a slum
Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in
the train at rush hour
Sindhi
One Sindhi is a currency racket
Two Sindhis is a papad factory
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar
Four Sindhis is the Hong Kong Retail Traders Association
Marwari
One Marwari is the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator
Two Marwaris own 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris can finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis
Four Marwaris will threaten the Jews as a community
Zimbly too guud... joke...
Read it loud !!
1. Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala .
2. Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 76% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.
3. Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.
4. Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.
5. What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
6. What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.
7. Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.
8. Who found out that?
His andy.
9. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10. What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.
11. Who is Malayali's fyamous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.
12. Why Kerala is the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.
13. Why Arab countreis are looking for only Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive cokknut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free.
Read it loud !!
1. Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala .
2. Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 76% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.
3. Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.
4. Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.
5. What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
6. What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.
7. Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.
8. Who found out that?
His andy.
9. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10. What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.
11. Who is Malayali's fyamous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.
12. Why Kerala is the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.
13. Why Arab countreis are looking for only Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive cokknut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Mantri Laloo
When Laloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri,stressing that it should be world class. The stamps were released,and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly,and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Lalloo Prasad: She said: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side!"
When Laloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri,stressing that it should be world class. The stamps were released,and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly,and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Lalloo Prasad: She said: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side!"
Monday, July 12, 2004
Cat after a shower
Y2K
Life in Mars?
What Happens When You Have...
1) Nothing to do
2) A sharp knife
3) A large lime
4) A patient cat
When a New Era Meets an Old One...
Y2K
Life in Mars?
What Happens When You Have...
1) Nothing to do
2) A sharp knife
3) A large lime
4) A patient cat
When a New Era Meets an Old One...
Friday, July 09, 2004
GEMS of WISDOM
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays
from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.
19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays
from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.
19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Friday, July 02, 2004
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?
I don't think so, Johnny. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin
I don't think so, Johnny. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin
Little Jonny
Little Jonny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
Little Jonny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
Bihar Ispecial
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
NOTE: If you dot knows, please copy from another applikason phorom.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person
at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Misra
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
Number of children libing in the household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no, leave blank)
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)
Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb
impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb
on right hand. If you do not have
Right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
NOTE: If you dot knows, please copy from another applikason phorom.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person
at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Misra
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
Number of children libing in the household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no, leave blank)
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)
Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb
impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb
on right hand. If you do not have
Right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
Bobby's letter to God
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he
thought this was a good time to tell his mother what
he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course,
thought he did.
Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby,
and think about how you have behaved this year. Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the
steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a
very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this
year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a
bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He
went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go
to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had
worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in
time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on
the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up
to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and
ran out of the church, down the street, into the
house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his
room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
THE BIKE!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he
thought this was a good time to tell his mother what
he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course,
thought he did.
Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby,
and think about how you have behaved this year. Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the
steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a
very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this
year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a
bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He
went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go
to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had
worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in
time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on
the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up
to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and
ran out of the church, down the street, into the
house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his
room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
THE BIKE!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
PERFECT ENGLISH !
1. Candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for
a typist and an accountant - Male or Female.... As I
am both for the past several years and I can handle
both, I am applying for the post".
2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
" Since I have to go my town to sell my land along
with my wife, please sanction me one week leave"
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may
not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the
Headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school, I am suffering from
headache I request you to leave me today"
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his
friend's letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to
the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for
the day"
7. A covering note:
" I am enclosed herewith...."
8. Another leave letter written to Human Resources.
Dept:
"As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible
for it, please grant me 10 days leave"
9. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness! And as I am her
only husband at home, may be granted leave."
10. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same
well"
1. Candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for
a typist and an accountant - Male or Female.... As I
am both for the past several years and I can handle
both, I am applying for the post".
2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
" Since I have to go my town to sell my land along
with my wife, please sanction me one week leave"
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may
not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the
Headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school, I am suffering from
headache I request you to leave me today"
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his
friend's letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to
the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for
the day"
7. A covering note:
" I am enclosed herewith...."
8. Another leave letter written to Human Resources.
Dept:
"As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible
for it, please grant me 10 days leave"
9. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness! And as I am her
only husband at home, may be granted leave."
10. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same
well"
Sardarji
Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all 4 of them.
Interviewer: WHAT IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD ?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
Harvard Guy: Its the Thought, b'cos thought is so fast it comes
instantly in your mind
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you
blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Diarrhea
Interviewer: Shocked to hear santa's reply, asked "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!
Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all 4 of them.
Interviewer: WHAT IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD ?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
Harvard Guy: Its the Thought, b'cos thought is so fast it comes
instantly in your mind
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you
blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Diarrhea
Interviewer: Shocked to hear santa's reply, asked "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!
These jokes from the posting at bobanandmolly@yahoogroups.com. Boban & Molly cartoons were masterpiece works of Toms.
----------
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya(Ayodhyaa),
there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat (dasrath).
Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM
after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--
RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest
was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY.
His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL
ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess
'C'ta. 12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL
RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE
(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat
for a life saving HELP COMMAND ,took this opportunity
at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real
plotter),and insisted that her son Bug-rat be
INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE
passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.
RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta
insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved
on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the
dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,
PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.
Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that
he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta
to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to
kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where
RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight, approached his
uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the
form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the
forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer,
who,with his last breath,cried out desperately for
LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM
SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid.
Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED
'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY
to LAN-ka. RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the
missing 'C'ta all over he forest. They made friendship
with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his
powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.
SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered
his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to
FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all
around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to
'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB
CRAWLERS'(Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something
about 'C'ta.Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but
they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND' MESSAGES. Several
other SEARCH techniques proved useless.
Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used
it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.
Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After
doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping
under a TREE STRUCTURE.
Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify
himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta
believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK
MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS
around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE
him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to
spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN
happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all
the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.
RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM
head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the
RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with
a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to
some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man.
RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan
and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on
earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya
and spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other USER
FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived
happily everafter.
----------
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya(Ayodhyaa),
there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat (dasrath).
Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM
after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--
RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest
was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY.
His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL
ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess
'C'ta. 12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL
RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE
(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat
for a life saving HELP COMMAND ,took this opportunity
at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real
plotter),and insisted that her son Bug-rat be
INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE
passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.
RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta
insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved
on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the
dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,
PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.
Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that
he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta
to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to
kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where
RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight, approached his
uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the
form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the
forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer,
who,with his last breath,cried out desperately for
LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM
SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid.
Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED
'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY
to LAN-ka. RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the
missing 'C'ta all over he forest. They made friendship
with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his
powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.
SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered
his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to
FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all
around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to
'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB
CRAWLERS'(Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something
about 'C'ta.Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but
they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND' MESSAGES. Several
other SEARCH techniques proved useless.
Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used
it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.
Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After
doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping
under a TREE STRUCTURE.
Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify
himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta
believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK
MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS
around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE
him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to
spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN
happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all
the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.
RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM
head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the
RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with
a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to
some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man.
RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan
and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on
earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya
and spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other USER
FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived
happily everafter.
